"Bett and Bals": But It's A Dry Deadline

The clock is ticking. Not just on the countdown of the new Blackberry 10, but the fact that Greg Jamison is waiting to the 11th hour in order to decide if he's going to deal with the lease agreements that the City of Glendale has set out or if he'll let it pass and hope it regroups. As it is, Gary Bettman is still rattled from the lockout and now has to put up with this. His court-ordered roommate Jim Balsillie is just mocking him without doing much of anything.

The scene is Jim Balsillie is sitting at the kitchen island, intently staring at Gary Bettman on the couch. Bettman looks around the couch to see what's behind him that Balsillie could be looking at, then starts to be come unnerved. 

Gary Bettman: What....what are you looking at??

(Jim still staring down Gary)

GB: You know you're making me feel unsettled.

(Jim starts nodding his head slightly)

GB: Fine, I'll.....I'll just turn over here....

(Jim clears his throat, still focused on Gary)

GB: OKAY, OKAY!! I SHOULD HAVE SOLD YOU THE TEAM, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

Jim Ballsillie (removes earbuds): What's that??

GB: YOU-- YOU SHOULD BE IN PHOENIX, THIS IS A DISASTER!! FIRST THE LOCKOUT, NOW THIS!!

JB: Oh, that?? I'm over that.

GB:....wait, what?? Over it??

JB: Yeah, the Blackberry 10 is coming out and people are ready to take over the next floundering team. Phoenix is passée  my man; people have their sights set on Sunrise.

GB: But the Panthers aren't going anywhere....are they??

JB: That's neither here nor there-- but I like how my old company is doing something you haven't been able to do in the same time frame-- reinvent itself. Will they actually make an impact and will people actually come back to Blackberry?? Who's to say, but at least it's not the same old song and dance that the Coyotes have been giving us for years on end.

GB: How can it change though?? We've had this whole thing set up for months-- Greg Jamison said we'd get this whole thing done. He had investors, but they lived somewhere else and I didn't know them. That's trustworthy enough, right?? Is it wrong to believe him??

JB: Maybe this isn't your fault-- maybe this is the City of Glendale going a little too sports crazy for a team that may not want to be there. Let's get to the brass tacks and say that Glendale thinks it's better than it actually is. This isn't a place where you'll get a lot of people to go just for the sake of seeing the place-- it's a pass-through town otherwise and they're trying to grab onto anything they can to get an identity.

GB: How can we get out of it?? It's just insane how this city is holding everyone by the short-hairs. It's like that awful girlfriend who won't go away and just threatens everything in order to keep you there in a loveless relationship. And you die a little each time when you give them a chance....her friends don't like you, but you provide something, so they tolerate you. But you're dying inside....you're dying and losing every time you look at her....

JB: Jesus.....you alright??

GB: First, it was Fehr and now it's the fear of actually having to do something again. But at least Quebec City is looking nice. They're building an arena already, even without a team-- and outside of the rainy Seattle climate, it provides a great backdrop. Winter Classics, a lot of French love, it's good times there.

JB: Remember a place called Kansas City?? Remember when they built an arena with no team at all?? I remember because that was a battle ground for me. If you want to do that whole expansion thing, you'd be better off in Quebec City and get more money; but what happens first-- the silliness of Glendale gets solved or a team in Quebec City?? Seattle is doing it right-- they're making sure they have a basketball team, something they actually want, before building up a new building.

GB: Right now, Kansas City could actually draw more and more than what we're doing in Glendale. At this point, I'm of the ideal that we can grease some palms and get out of this-- they have a new city council who probably doesn't want to take money from city services in order to keep a team that bilks money over and over. As much as I like the money of expansion and waiting until an arena is done-- I also like not having to deal with these people in Glendale.

JB: Is this the "hill you die on" like all the other CBA hills you've frolicked in?? Are you waiting for this team to just kill itself so you don't have to make a decision and get more hate mail?? Because as much as people would love contraction-- it's not something that's going to appear, it's got to be an executive order.

GB: Haters are going to hate-- so I couldn't get a damn about that. I'm just exhausted from getting a season done and now having to get a deal done because people can't get their money in order, AND I STILL GET THE BLAME?? It's a broken record and people are stupid because if I keep the team there, I'm screwing the league and if I don't move the team, I'm screwing the league.

JB: Can't win for losing, big guy. (Doorbell rings) Oh, that's my BB10 prototype-- you want to answer that.

GB: Oh, so this is where the T-Bomb happens?? You're going the predictable route??

JB: Just get it, stupid-- he's nowhere to be found.

GB: Okay (opens door) T-BOMB!!! BEAT YOU TO....oh...

Delivery Guy: AH!!! DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!!! (drops package)

JB: Good job, now I have go get it fixed. What is your problem, you think everyone is after you.

GB: Sorry, sorry....I'll go get it fixed.

JB: You better. (Gary picks up package and walks to the car) Wait for it. (Gary opens the car door and sits down) Almost there. (Gary puts key in the ignition, starts it up).

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Jumps from the back seat) T-BOMB!!!!!

GB: GOOD SWEET LORD!!! (Hits the steering wheel with force, car horn goes off, airbag inflates)

JB: Long way for a tired sight-gag on a blog.

Locking Out Hyperbole

While the "impending doom" of the end of the CBA comes to term, the ideal of Gary Bettman as the bad guy has reared it's ugly head. Sure, the figurehead for the owners will get the brunt of the heat-- something he has been able to take in stride; him mentioned the fact the owners won't go past the expiration date IS NOT NEWS, because he has said it in the past. There's some probable reasons why he wouldn't do that:

1. The owners don't like how the CBA is structured (of their own doing in-house, mind you) so why would they want to keep playing under it??
2. They would lose bargaining power with the NHLPA saying, "Hey, if this is okay enough for you to keep going-- why not keep it going??" 
3. It's hard to get any kind of roll-back once the players start to make money. 

Even with common sense being around, the hyperbole amongst many fans is running rampant-- especially with Donald Fehr playing the nice guy act saying the players would play past the expiration. Of course they would-- they'd still be making money. From people getting upset about Bettman about his comments, sports columnist painting the doom-and-gloom scenarios that riles up the troops, and then people saying that "the game as we know it will never be the same"-- it's hard to be a fan or actual reasonable human being during these times. 

First and foremost-- THERE IS OTHER HOCKEY OUTSIDE OF THE NHL!! I can't stress this enough people. Sure, the void will be vast with the NHL not around and that's a crying shame for the global scale of the game-- but there's plenty of other hockey out there that would enjoy your entertainment dollar at a small price. Sure, it's not the NHL hockey you're accustomed to, but at the same time-- it could be good for people to diversify themselves into the minor league or junior levels of play. When the NHL does comeback, the future stars would have already been seen by others. Hell, support your local minor hockey team even if there isn't an extended lockout or a lockout at all. 

Second, the rage against Bettman is silly, but understood. He's the NHL owner's speaker. While he has the commissioner title, the fact remains that his powers beyond what the owners give him is very limited. Bettman is at their beckon call and if he doesn't do what the owners want-- they will get someone who will-- which could be even worse than Bettman. 

Third, you have to love the likes of David Shoalts and the others who are already cancelling the season until the Winter Classic. Sure, that's a possibilty, but there's also a possibility that the season only gets delayed a day, a week, a month, whatever. The feeding of the already upset fan bases is something where they can feed off of for page views and recognition. While in some way, shape, or form we are all gloryhogs, but at the same time-- there's also a limit to it all. 

Fourth, just because the NHL is planning lockout, the fact that people are worried that games in September could be cancelled makes me snicker a bit. Sure, pre-season games are fun-- especially those in neutral locations like Baltimore, Brooklyn, Kansas City, and Vegas-- but the loss of them doesn't mean as much as many would like you to believe. As much as I would like to see some AHLers battle out for a spot on the roster or see star players just go through their motions-- cutting out the pre-season games all together probably isn't the worst thing for the players in terms that they won't have that added risk of injury during meaningless games. 

Donald Fehr said there's still significant time (though that's before the "meaningful gulf" comment) to get a deal done. Bill "Don't call me Steve Wilkos" Daly has said that in the past, as well. Some players aren't panicking at all of a lockout, while others are making contingency plans-- just in case. The fact the NHLPA hasn't put forth a counter-proposal yet is reason to believe that this process is going to be a tactical one and something that could bring about good things. Both sides have met more and had seemingly more meaningful conversations than that of the last labor meetings that started in the summer of 2004 should be a good sign.....but you can't put that forth through all the hyperbole being flung around by emotional fans. 

Should the NHLPA's proposal (rumored to be put forth Tuesday) be something that causes both sides to not talk for a couple weeks, then we should have a problem. However, with the extreme case the NHL put together and the NHLPA still meeting with the NHL for a couple days a week after that could mean that they are serious about getting something done in time. Outside of fans, the livelihood of both sides (read: money) is something that is of significant loss and that neither side wants. 

In the end, we're still 36 days away from a possible lockout and the true test will come with the NHLPA's counter-proposal and what that does to the owners. Even then, we'll be close to a month away from a lockout-- still a lot of time to go and bargain. While there hasn't been much going on this summer, the fact that every fan out there is turning into a pessimist all the sudden is somewhat expected and somewhat disappointing. Cooler heads will prevail in the end....but if it's before, slightly after, or really after the deadline remains to be seen. 

(Ticket) Drive to Survive??

The Glendale City Council voted 4-2 in favor a new 20-year lease with prospective Coyotes' buyer Greg Jamison, which would see him buy the team after three years of bankruptcy and maybe closing a saga in this whole shebang.

Of course, the Goldwater Institute, who failed at a restraining order, could have some push still-- as while they did fail to get the vote stopped, did learn that the City of Glendale could be held in contempt of court for violating a previous court order to show the meetings that the city had with any buyer.

According to a study, Glendale would pay Jamison $203 million during this lease while bringing in $45M in revenue because of it, while it would take $177 million and cost many of jobs to buy out the lease should the Coyotes move.

To be honest, I'm sick of this ordeal-- as I'm sure many hockey fans are because this has dragged on forever. Leave, don't leave-- who cares at this point, it's beyond exhausting. Though, someone in the TSN comments section (crazy, I know) did offer up some kind of food for thought.

If the NHL was so concerned with the city of Winnipeg actually getting the support from the city when it comes to their new hockey team-- why wouldn't they at least see if they can sell a set amount of number of season tickets to not only show the city of Glendale they're fighting the good fight, show Jamison that he's actually going to have a good investment, and give the other NHL cities and pundits who hate the Phoenix fiasco a reason to shut-up because the Coyotes would have a solid crowd for their games rather than empty seats we see game-in and game-out from the Getty Images after the game.

Plus, it would give the fans the chance to show that they aren't a bunch of ham-and-eggers and really give them a reason to be proud of their team and themselves for actually putting up a fight...and long fight....and succeeding and then having a reason to stay around for a while and support the team they emotionally fought for. It would assure their team stays around and won't get chirped by anyone else.

Sure, the Jobing.com Arena is in the middle of nowhere, despite the city trying to build up the area-- and I get that it could be difficult for people in outer-lining areas to access the arena, but at the same time-- why did the team do that knowing the difficulties they would have had to get people out there. It's almost like this whole thing was a set-up for failure.

That said, the NHL just wants the Coyotes off their hands. The fact of the matter is that the quicker Gary Bettman gets this off his hands, the quicker he can get onto more pressing matters-- like if anyone would get to play next season in the NHL. A ticket drive for Phoenix is not on the horizon, though it might be a good rallying cry to the fans to actually show this fight wasn't for naught. Plus, it'd give something for Bettman to hang his hat on if they actually fill all the spots. Yet, if it doesn't fulfill, it'd be egg on the face of Bettman, Phoenix, Jamison, and everyone involved.

It's just a shame that one fan base who actually craved a team after it was taken for him have to prove their support and dedication to a team (and did it in quite a rapid fashion), while another area is just allowed to keep the team because they're already there and it's easier than trying to move to another locale that's not ready.

And honestly-- the same should be done for other teams in financial straits. If the fans want to keep their team, they'll be able to buy the tickets to show the support, or they'll have to support another team. Just because you have the building doesn't mean you deserve the team.

Good luck to all involved, but if this drags on any longer-- I can bet I won't be the only one to flip tables in anger.

"Bett and Bals": Move Hitting the Eye Like a Big Pizza Guy

In the wake of Boston Pizza CEO Jim Treliving's possible tongue-in-cheek implication (skip to the nine minute mark) he could be kicking the tires for the Phoenix Coyotes (which his son is the assistant GM for), it's time to get the take on the two bobbleheads of this blog. Especially considering that the City of Glendale is able to be on "Ghost Town" watch, it could take a Canadian pizza guy to save the day.

(Gary Bettman sits on the couch as the Jim Balsillie comes in from the kitchen)

Gary Bettman: I mean, look-- they got these new all-meat wings with 18 flavors.

Jim Balsillie: Aren't all wing meat?? And who needs that much flavor??

GB: The point is this, they won't make any bones about their wings or their possible bid.

JB: That's a terrible pun, but they really haven't made a bid. Treliving is a guy who was put on the spot by a guy who turned VJ to intellectual CBC host. Honestly, how can you trust a guy saying something on a late-night, public broadcasting show that own a company that has a city that's never once been connected to pizza.

GB: But it's hope, Jim-boy. We haven't has much of that since the last guy ditched us for St. Louis....to which he couldn't follow through on that either.

JB: I mean clam chowder, sure-- but pizza?? They had a Boston cheesesteak at one point, that totally doesn't make sense.

GB: Even if it's from a guy who may or may not be serious because his kid's job is involved-- it's something we haven't had public for a while. Granted, we could have some nepotism going on-- but that worked out in Colorado, right??

JB: Hell, I could even see if lobster or seafood in general; but pizza??

GB: FOCUS, 'Sillie. We have a chance to turn this thing around. They've got two franchises down there already, we've got a Canadian tie-in without actually moving the team to Canada and have me looking miserable as I hand over the keys.

JB: While that may be, who's to say that they can come up with all these gimmicks to keep generating money to keep the team in town?? If you relocate the team, you cut ties to the anchor that has drained the city of money and screws over that whole revenue sharing thing you have in place for some teams. Heck, the other team in town is thinking of suing the city-- it's a mess and do you really want to clean it up??

GB: If I sell the team in time and hurry up the transition, it's not my problem anymore. Let the crazy pizza guy do it for himself. Maybe have 17 stores around the arena or something, I don't know. I'd rather not move this team, but if I can't get my money one way or another-- we've got to ship them somewhere.

JB: Yet, this has been a five-year plan in to almost a decade. Or at least it feels that way. It's past the point of mockery, it's past the point of hilarity, it's to the point of sadness and wanting it to end-- like SNL at times.

GB: They got Russ Tyler on there now-- he's good.

JB: Fair enough. The crazy part of this is it seems you're trying to make a point and it's not working. Atlanta moved like a thief in the night and still the Coyotes are just there waiting for something. Do you think people care anymore?? Everyone just wants this to be done because we're tired of this, it's run its course and now-- time to crap or get off the pot.

(Bettman's computer goes off, "You've Got  Mail")

JB: (Looking confused) Who uses AOL anymore??

GB: Shut it-- see, this person loves the Coyotes and enjoys the efforts. Huh, there's even an attachment....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Through the computer) T-BOMB!!!!!!!!

GB: GAH POP-UPS!!!! (Falls over off the couch)

JB: And there you have it.....we still find a way.

19 Years of Bettman

It was 19 years ago today that Gary Bettman became the 1st and, to date, only commissioner of the the NHL. Prior to that, the leader of the sport was called the president of the league-- but either or. The fact remains that while he could be the most polarizing figure in the NHL today-- for me, he's one of the best heels the NHL has ever seen.

During his 19-year tenure, Bettman has brought about six expansion teams (Florida, Anaheim, Nashville, Atlanta, Columbus, and Minnesota), seen five relocations (Dallas, Colorado, Carolina, Phoenix, and Winnipeg), and has had control of a couple teams as well (Ottawa, Phoenix, and hand in Buffalo's first transition).

While he did try to force hockey into markets that purist didn't quite like, they have seemed to make a niche for themselves in their local area, albeit with some tough times having to be travelled in order to get to the successful area. Hell-- many of the "Sun Belt" teams have gotten the honor of hoisting the Stanley Cup-- Anaheim, Carolina, Dallas, Tampa Bay-- really making Bettman feel silently smug, I'm sure.

More over, Bettman got the NHL to the mainstream, starting with bringing the NHL to FOX in 1995 for $155M, then going to ESPN/ABC in 1998 for $600M, then moving to the OLN/Versus/NBC Sports Network contingency first for $270.5M and more recently $2.2B over the next ten years. While the bitching will always be around that it's not enough or not seen enough by people travelling or in their own market-- but he's getting the deals done in order to put it out there-- if your cable or satellite provider doesn't have it....you may want to take it up with them.

Sure, Bettman did cancel the 2004-05 season and played hardball....like his bosses the owners want....he got the salary cap the owners wanted and what they felt they needed-- although their greed really got crazy from the onset, but still-- he can't protect the owners all the damn time-- but will take their side because they are his bosses.

Many point to him being a basketball guy, but who's to say that in order to run the league and listen to the people to own the teams, you have to know the game?? I bet he doesn't know all that much about basketball when he worked at the NBA. He's a lawyer and knows how to go about things and knows how to market things (right or wrong as they may be) and knows the legal game for when it comes to collective bargaining.

He is the heel and takes the heel heat, and embraces the role well, taking it in stride. He has built up an astonishing amount of revenue for the league, for the owners, and the players-- because without the revenues, players wouldn't be getting the salary they would; though many debate on how much a player is worth on a player-by-player basis. Bettman probably has a much stronger personality than anyone you could put in there.

I, for one, will always be a Gary Bettman fan.....regardless of how infuriating some of the decisions he has made has made me. The personality is what turned me into a believer. Long Live Bettman!! Hashtag-- heel.

"Bett and Bals:" Miracles and Mirages

(Just when we thought that this series could be dead-- something happens to bring this back to a whole new level and why wouldn't this just be left for dead, huh?? That's silliness.)


Jim Balsillie: (Reading the paper on the couch) iPad3, how the hell do they keep doing this with their guy dead?? Of course, this could be a whole new thing when all is said and done....

Gary Bettman: (Busting through the door) SANCTUARY!!!

JB: I don't think that word means what you think it does.

GB: WELL, KISS MY GRITS!!

JB: Okay, that's better-- but what the hell are you so happy about?? This better be cause for this celebration.

GB: Jim....there's a mystery guy for Phoenix!!

JB: This seems like a repeat. Are we in syndication already??

GB: Seriously-- the perfect timing of this news RIGHT before the big meeting with the Board and....whew, see the wheels are in motion with this team. We've got Jerry Reinsdorf, who-- let's be honest-- built that Bulls team to a dynasty; we've got Greg Jamison, who was the guy who helps the Sharks get off the ground, and now...this mystery guy-- who HAS to be the best of the three. Man....this is fantastic.

JB: How many of these mystery men have come to fruition, though?? Let's be honest-- the only mystery is when this bid will be considered a failure yet again, then have Reinsdorf get told by you he's still in.

GB: This is own free will to be in, especially since the White Sox are about to actually get less and less relevant....if I have my way.

JB: But, honestly-- what's going on with this mystery crap?? Is there a reason you don't want this mystery to be really revealed??

GB: Why are you harshing my buzz?? The point is this-- we have a third guy out there and it's now a sweepstakes. The power of three is a lot better than the two guys debating over the team.

JB: Debating?? What debating?? Is there a sale to be had that you held out on??

GB: Well, we have to wait for the City of Glendale for their stuff....

JB: Standing behind them now, too?? Do they not want to be revealed?? IS there actually a third buyer??

GB: Oh, there's a third buyer. The city wants to know who they're getting into business and how they can restructure one way or the other. They definitely want to have a good relationship where they can rearrange and work to the benefit of everyone out there. Win-win.

JB: And what about moving?? Let's be honest-- even with the team being bought, what's going to be done with these rumors of a buy-and-move?? I keep hearing Seattle, Kansas City, Quebec....

GB: All great areas-- you see how much snow Seattle has gotten?? They'd be PERFECT for the 2014 Winter Classic with all that snow, are you kidding me?? But the movement is secondary to get the team out of there. Once they're out of my hair and under ownership in Phoenix for a year-- I'll be whatever to moving. It's less stress on me once I get rid of this team and someone else can worry about them.

JB: So moving is still an option??

GB: Of course. Especially if the city can't come up with a good plan, I'll pay the $25 million payments BACK to the city in order to get the team out of there if they aren't thriving. At this point, I just want someone to buy the team from me.

JB: Interesting......because now I may have to reveal myself.

GB: Wait...what?? Didn't you just get fired??

JB: Fired nothing, I stepped down.

GB: If this turns out to be you.....(footsteps running up and down the hallway)...the hell....look, if it turns out to be you....(crashing into walls)...Okay, that's enough for our property value (Opens the door) Alright you rapscallions, this is....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Running By) T- BOMBED!!!!

GB: OH GOOD LORD (Falling backwards)

JB: Drive-by gimmicks now. Enjoyable, as always.

"Bett and Bals:" Means and Ends

All good things may come to an end, which may be the case now-- but even with a possible ending; it may spark a new beginning....or not be an end at all. The fact that Jim Balsillie is now out a Research in Motion; it could make it harder for him to buy a team in the NHL...but it doesn't make it easier for Gary Bettman-- but they still to live together in the condo of perpetual bickering; as you're about to see now. 


(Laying on the couch lamenting about what has happened, Jim Balsillie waits for the inevitable mocking by Gary Bettman).

Jim Balsillie: And I don't know why I thought naming something "Playbook" was a good idea. This isn't football, this isn't Playboy-- what was I thinking?? Sure, tablets are the way of the future, but this is almost as bad as the tablet Moses dropped at Mount Sinai.

Gary Bettman: Is that really true??

JB: The point is that....this could be it for us, this could be the end. I know you're happy with it.

GB: Happy?? What you're out of money?? Look, Jim, we here at the NHL hold the position that even broke or crooked, you too can have a NHL franchise at your disposal. You could even hold them.

JB: (Lifting his head in shock) Are you okay?? Do you understand what you're saying, more over-- do you understand what I'm saying??

GB: Sure, you've done stuff like move teams you didn't actually own and curse on live TV when possibly drunk...but at least you're real. I'm not sure this Matthew Hulsizer is real because he's screwed me twice.

JB: It does sound like a made up name.

GB: Sure, I can understand not being able to want to keep the Coyotes or be associated with them-- but the Blues?? Come on, that's the Wal-Mart guy's old team, so you know you're getting a nice rollback in prices.

JB: Good one, but the point is this: How are other teams getting sold and moved so quickly and yet the Coyotes are still in the limbo for the past 10 years of their existence. Why do you hold onto them so much??

GB: Look, I may have sunk some money into this project and I may have bet someone in 1996 I could make this work. The limit is 20 years and you know....almost there. Almost ready to collect on that bet and I can't let myself fail in this.

JB: All this for a bet?? It better be worth it.

GB: I think it's $20 and a dinner.

JB: Twenty dollars?? Losing millions and millions for $20 doesn't seem very fiscal....

GB: But we moved the Thrashers to Winnipeg, so that buys me at least another year for that honeymoon to stay. Plus, those bastards have screwed me. Luckily, someone wanted Dallas and now-- now it's a matter of getting St. Louis and Phoenix onward and upward for another turn.

JB: It's scary that you won't let me in, but keep allowing this Hulsizer to be in the fold. We've got the same money, he's got much less moxie, what the hell is the matter with me??

GB: The puns.

JB: The puns??

GB: Think of what the NHL.com writers will say on the headlines when it got done. I mean, it'd go something like "Hulsizer Me!!: Phoenix Sold." Where as you-- we'll get "Balsille Goose: NHL Finally Gives In" or "RIM-Job: NHL Bends Over." See the spot I'm in??

JB: So, rather than actually sell a team to a guy who has a decent track record, funding, and a known presence in the business world and will actually put himself out there-- you'd rather have the unknown guy who can't follow-through on anything he promises and misses deadlines....all because the headline-puns would be better??

GB: Now you get it!!

(Doorbell rings, knock on the door)

GB: Oh hell no.

JB: No, you have to do it.

GB: No, I won't-- we all know what happens, we all know how this turns out, this is pee-wee bullsh-

JB: SHUT it and open the door-- it's what everyone want to see and you know it.

GB: (Thinking.....)Okay...I'll open it, but I'll get the upper hand. (Opens door) G-BOMBED!!!! SEE I GOT YOU THIS TIME!!!

Delivery Guy: ....the hell is wrong with you?? Package for G. Bettman for a M. Hulsizer. Sign here.

GB: Sorry, I just....every time there's a door....a guy happens to be there....and....

DG: Look, I don't care for your whole issue, but better get your slacker buddy on the couch to help you because I ain't leaving the dolly here with you crazy people.

JB: Is that an iPhone?? Why not a Blackberry Curve??

DG: What is this, 2002?? Get with the times, boss.

JB: (Underbreath) jackass.

GB: Come on Jim, help me with this damn thing.

DG: Whatever it is-- it's heavy and solid....unless the premise for this show.

GB: What show??

(Delivery guy rolls his eyes and walks away)

JB: Is this the gold statue of yourself you order for the New York offices??

GB: No, it was back-ordered until June.

JB: Whatever-- I need something for my back, that was a haul.

GB: Fine, I'll open it (Takes out ceremonial scissors to cut the ends and middle)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Busting out of the box) T-BOMBED!!!! (Falls out of the box to tackle Gary)

GB: GAHHHHH!!!

JB: (Walking down the hall) That's what daddy likes.

GB: (From the ground) MY HIP FLEXOR!!!

JB: (From the hallway) What are things Rick DiPietro has said??

Friday Five: Off-ice Thoughts of an On-ice Event

It's been a crazy week and it's now time for a short recap of the odds-and-ends of the week with the Friday Five. Maybe, just maybe-- someone would want to cash in on this fantasticness, because like "Wayne's World"; I do bow down to sponsors.

1. Is Air Canada using this as PR or do they actually think the NHL couldn't get another airline for 11 teams, so they pose a threat??

The Air Canada stunt was ridiculous and was only used to put themselves over. Odd how it "leaked" out and if any other sponsors raised issues-- still hasn't come out yet. While I understand the position of Air Canada and wanting to put the NHL under the gun, but this sponsorship is beneficial to both sides and kind of cutting the nose off to spite the face. Plus, if a sponsor starts to dictate how the game is play, the slippery slope of what could come after it would be monumental. That'd be like a patient telling a dentist how to go about drilling. In the end, I think that while it's a great stunt; Air Canada has a lot more to lose than win in a situation like this, because I'm sure other airlines are out there looking for 11 teams to be under their umbrella and others waiting to be the marquee name on the Toronto Maple Leafs arena. Bad spot that Air Canada put themselves in.

2. When it comes to the headshot issues-- how can the GMs actually change the rules and enforce it better without taking hitting out of the game??

Another fine-line issue, but there has to be something to discourage shots to the head-- whether it's by not playing and losing money or something; but the respect between fellow players just isn't there. I don't believe that any new rules in place will be a landmark change and actually make players not play as cheap as they have been. The league doesn't want to take hitting out if they don't have to, because it is a part of the game that appeals to some sectors of fans and is really what separates this from other games, to the extent of whether it's clean or not. It's more of something that the player's have to talk about themselves and start to respect each other.

3. The NHLPA seems to have hedged their bets when it comes to not directly coming out against one player over another in this event-- smart or silly??

The comment Donald Fehr made in the official statement, saying the injury of Max Pacioretty could have been caused by lack of padding, showed that he may have been led wrong; but at least his first statement saying he wasn't knowledgeable on the hit or dynamics behind it was honest and truthful. This padding thing could be silly, but the fact they haven't gotten to the point that the disrespect between union members is running rampant seems to be like an ostrich with its head in the sand. Granted, Fehr is new-- but at the same time, the people around him should have been seeing this for the longest time and should have brought this up to their members. While the NHLPA is looking out for their player's wallets and all of that, they should get more concern for their player's health and safety-- and maybe the padding is the first step, who knows-- but doesn't seem like it.

4. When it comes to Gary Bettman, he signed a five-year contract extension last fall. Fans hate it, but are they missing the bigger picture??

Of course they're missing the big picture. Bettman is a heel, he knows he's a heel, and he plays it well and almost embraces it. He doesn't kowtow to pressure from outside sources and has made great business for the NHL since he's come into the league-- bigger revenues some good and not so good expansions/relocations, and all around growth of the game. While people may hate him and his Count Count statue/appearance-- he's a great guy to have as the figurehead because he doesn't care what you call him and the Board of Governors have been making money out of his regime. He's good for everyone and should have been retained. (Sure, this all could be because of the fact the CBA is coming up and they want to look strong, but still-- all the things I said hold true.)

5. It seems after Chara-gate, the rest of the on-ice product has been ignored-- sans for hits and what-not.

Considering it's the same week (and same day, I think) that the Bertuzzi-Moore event happened back in 2004, the debates ramped up hardcore and, sure, the games got lost in the mix-- but that's going to happen when something this crazy happens. Sure, we've had some fancy shootout moves from Mike Ribeiro and Martin St. Louis (that caused its own controversy), but nothing too out of the ordinary happened. Maybe it wasn't the best time for teams to go into hibernation with excitement, but that's the way the universe works.

---------

That's it for the week that was, which seemed very Chara-bomb heavy-- oof. In any case, you have a topic or a question to submit-- Scotty.Wazz@Gmail.com is the place to send it and I'll get to it, post-haste.

"Bett and Bals": When a Sale Isn't a Sale

With all the speculation that has come out about what's going to happen with teams like the Maple Leafs, Sabres, and now the impending sale of the Coyotes and recently the Atlanta Thrashers looking for investors-- the Board of Governors' meeting this week is bound with questions when it comes to ownership. Sadly, the man who seems to be left out in the cold is Jim Balsillie, who may or may not be sneaking around these meetings.

We see the outside of the resort that the meetings are being held, Gary Bettman steps out after a session and takes in the humid air.

Gary Bettman: Ahh...another day, another defused situation when it comes to ownership. And what a view, no one around except us board members. (Turns to see a man sneaking around the corner) Is that.....no.....wait-- Jim?!? JIM?!?

Jim Balsillie (disgused as a caddy): I'm sorry, but I don't know you're talking about. I'm Bim Jalsillie.....a local caddy.

GB: .....Jim??

JB: Bim....it's Bim...always has been.

GB: Jim.

JB: FINE-- look, there's teams for sale and I don't know why I'm getting shut out. I'm primed to bring a new vision to any team that needs it.

GB: What's that vision-- beavers and maple syrup??

JB: You kinky bastard!! But yes, we need to get into these place like Winnipeg and Quebec.....or even Hamilton, especially after Rogers buys them. They love my Blackberry and probably wouldn't want to have their costumers disrupted during their everyday life.....

GB: Keep dreaming, Jim. Everything is fine with us-- Phoenix has that Matt Hulsizer, who loves the idea of losing money-- thus, my new best friend. We've got people wanting into Buffalo, and maybe some Atlanta people would get there.

JB: Why am I shut out?? Why are these guys getting the welcome and I'm getting the cold shoulder?? Sure, I started to sell tickets to a team that I didn't own and a building I didn't have rights to; but can't we let bygones be bygones??

GB: I think the example there was the reason we won't let you in. It's an elite group with people like Hulsizer who will play the game. We've got guys like Terry Pegula who will drop all kinds of dough on a Division I hockey team and still have some change to buy the Sabres and actually keep them there. It's not so much that we don't want you in the fraternity, it's that we don't want you to steal from others in the fraternity.

JB: Aren't you all in the business of making money?? I can do that-- and yes, it could require a move, but if I make money, the league makes money, the teams can get some money, the players get money.....everyone wins, I think. Even if I keep the team there, don't you think I'll build up the team up to get people into the building so I don't lose my invested money?? I won't "Major League" it and tank just to move-- I want to win and if people don't come out for a winning team, I'd take them to a place where they will make money and win.

GB: We like money....but we also like people who play the company line. We want to like you Jim, but the rebel thing.....I don't know. It's too new and we're scared. Why do you think we keep harping on the same rivalries like the Caps and Pens, plus keeping the Red Wings winning thanks to the wheel on their jersey spinning and hypnotizing the other team so they can win.

JB: Wait, what??

GB: Huh??

JB: You said.....

GB: Anyway-- look, we want your money, but don't want you to revolutionize the way owners run their teams. We're kind of scared you're going to do something that's going to rock the boat and make your team love you, but the rest of the league hate you. You see-- fans will see what you're doing and want their owner to do the same....and just rock the boat. We like the way we do it now and we don't like change-- it scares us.

JB: So, what you're saying is that while there's plenty of teams for the taking and I have the money to do it....

GB: We don't want you to buy them because you could do something to make people like you and thus ruining the rest of us.

JB: I don't know if that's the best way to run a business.

GB: Well, just look at me.

JB: Fair enough. Well, I was going to meet with Tom Golisano about the Sabres, but I guess I'll just be out of here. You think you could go to my clubs by the corner over there, it was for my get-up. I'll go tell Tommy it's not happening.

GB: I'm glad you could come to your senses, Jim-- and it's not that you're a bad guy, but (struggles to lift the bag) but, you're (still struggling), what the hell is....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!

GB: AHHHHHH!!! (drops bag, runs into wall)

JB: I don't know how you fit in there. Get the car, I'm going to talk to Atlanta.

Tin-Foiling The Kovalchuk Decision

Before I start, I will say that this will be something out there, something that probably is so far away from being true that if you believe-- you're a silly goose. That said, this is what came across my crazy mind while trying to deal with my everyday night stocking job. As you know, I'm not normally of the tin-foil hat brigade; but this is my venture into that situation.

With the decision to void the 17-year contract the New Jersey Devils gave to Ilya Kovalchuk, it makes me wonder if this is just another line of things that has really gone crazy this summer in the free agent market. Especially considering the guy who gave Kovalchuk the contract, I almost wonder if it's some kind of "Arrested Development" situation.

How is that?? Well, that's because the players (Kovalchuk in this case) are making a big commotion for wanting long-term contracts and big money as they play the role of the Bluth children. In this case, the owners were being represented by Lou Lamoriello as he played the role of George Bluth Sr. and got all distracted as the kids are making said commotion. All the while, the NHL played the role of J. Walter Weatherman and being the set-up man and stopping the Bluth kids complaining and proving the point that other owners and GMs wanted to in the first place.

Yes, it's a stretch, but the point is valid. For many owners and critics; the long-term, front-loaded deals are something that are getting out hand and in this instance, finally called to the table and challenged. Now, with this whole thing, other contracts have been now re-opened and looked at with a fine-toothed comb. Roberto Luongo is one that has been confirmed as being looked at. Yet, why did it take so long for something like this to be challenged and for this to be come a big issue. Sure, it's been looked at prior and pushed to the wayside with the conclusion that it's nothing that is a problem; yet with this contract, immediate action was taken and rejected out of hand.

All the while, the talk was why would Lamoriello, a guy very close to Gary Bettman when it comes to advising and being a strong voice for the Board of Governors, pull a contract like this-- especially after it was rumored that Bettman told Lamoriello it would get rejected if he actually signed Kovalchuk to this offer. For a guy who Bettman's trust with his opinion; it almost seems like a set-up and a way for Bettman/NHL to set an example for the other owners who may have done this before and those who were thinking about doing this in the future. Who else to use for an example than a guy who is held in the high regard and showing that if the NHL is going to do it to a guy like Lamoriello, they will do it to anyone who tries to pull something like this again.

Even with this as an example, it's a way the NHL is trying to save the owners from themselves in giving these long-term, front-loaded contracts. Now, they have the guideline and know that the NHL will actually start to stick up for themselves and not sit on the sidelines when it comes to some of these outrageous contracts that have happened recently. The big issue, I suppose, was the huge drop-off of the contract in the end. It's not like Mike Richards, who does have a drop-off, but nothing that's as drastic as Kovalchuk's and Richards' is a slow decline and nothing out of the ordinary.

Granted, the odds that the Devils will restructure and get Kovalchuk under contract before the month is up is very good; but it just adds to the whole mantra of this off-season, where the strange things get stranger by the day. It's a small win for the NHL and actually makes them look strong, even though you kind of saw it coming (if you're not a Devils fan, of course). Plus, gives me a chance to throw an "Arrested Development" reference in there.

"Bett and Bals": Jerry Canned

Just when you thought things were better for the Coyotes.....ESPN is now reporting that the deal with the City of Glendale and NHL's poster child for ownership, Jerry Reinsdorf, is dead. The city has reached out again to the Ice Edge Holdings group and maybe could get them back on board, even after they outright rejected the IEH proposal.

This episode, we see Jim Balsillie sitting on the couch watching the TV. Gary Bettman comes walking in.

Gary Bettman: (Muttering under his breath) Why are they doing this to me now?? I was going to get over it and be rid of this financial burden....

Jim Balsillie: Anything wrong, Gary?? It seems like (snickering) you've misplaced something.

GB: Oh, guffaw, guffaw-- I get it-- relocation in a non-traditonal market which turns out to be a money-sucking venture.

JB: The joke doesn't work if you have to explain it.

GB: Whatever-- I have my own issues. What does it take to actually get rid of this team?? I thought I had it. He was unsuspecting and willing to take it over for me and get the pressure and heat off of me. It's like he actually did research and realized this deal probably wouldn't do well for him, especially with the lease and having to wait five-years to try to sell the bloody team.

JB: Were you really expecting this whole thing to go down with Reinsdorf?? I mean, from the on-set of this thing, he really hasn't said much about anything in regards to this whole issue. It's like he didn't even know much about-- he just threw his hat into the ring. Or at least, someone did on his behalf. I don't even think he knew there was hockey in Chicago, much less Arizona. I think you could have been the only one to think it would all work out.

GB: He's got the MLB team, the NBA team-- why not go lower in the ranking and hit up a NHL team. It's affordable and it's something that'll help out his taxes and what not. Plus, he didn't have to do much-- just keep the people around that helped them to a playoff berth and move on. Not much to do, just pay some bills.

JB: But Gary, have you seen the bills?? They are piling up at a massive rate and really are never-ending. The Coyotes are like the Greece of the NHL. (Editor's Note: This gag was topical in early May 2010 when the Greek economy went to crap. Look it up if you don't get it.)

GB: Yes, but with a little help, they could have been revived in less time. Sure, the bills are piling up, sure the city is footing the bill for most the stuff, sure the taxes are getting crazed, sure the team can't turn a profit....wait, where was I going with this??

JB: You weren't. The fact is that you can't keep a team in an area where the responsiveness of the "fans" is depended upon the threat of losing the team. It seems that the only time people come out for the team is when they think they're going to lose them. Even when they were winning, it took them a while to get to the rink.

GB: Maybe so, but they made the playoffs, they had a great season, they have a lot of award finalist, they have a great looking future...

JB: That could be blown up this summer. They have seven UFAs and five RFAs who had an everyday role on the team. With the insecure nature of the team-- are you willing to spend the money in order to get the re-signed, especially since you control the team?? Don't you think the other owners would be a bit upset about it if you did?? Plus, with all the other FAs out there, wouldn't you want this team to build off their success and add more to their team??

GB: You mean....I'd have to take care of all of that?? Not that I'm stressed enough or anything, now I have to deal with that. All because this guy couldn't take over the team?? All because the City of Glendale wouldn't go with the best idea in the Ice Edge Holdings in the first place??

JB: And all because you didn't want to tease the idea of selling it to me on threat of me moving the team. Let's face it-- your ego can't take a hit of relocating a previously relocated team. You don't want to be proven wrong for decisions that weren't that keen to begin with. Sure, we all can regret some things, but most of us have the ability to actually move forward after admitted some wrong doing. You take your lumps and bounce back.

GB: That's just it though. I can take the lumps-- look at the work stoppage. The fact is that even if I do sell and move this team, who's to say the place it will moved to will be any more viable than another. The harsh reality of it is that if we have to sell it, that has to be approved by everyone. If they want to move, it again has to be approved. Who's to say that where the new owner would want to move the team would work out monetarily for the league and the other owners?? The thought of moving a team in trouble is great in theory. It's when it's put into actual motion and trying to get everyone on board that is the issue. It's nothing personal-- always business.

(Phone rings)

JB: I'll get it. James and Gar-- your helpful hardware, folks.

GB: Funny.

JB: (To Gary) Would you shut up?? (Phone) Yes?? Oh really?? So, you do want back into the mix Mr. Reinsdorf?? You made a horrible mistake?? Sure, I'll put him on. (To Gary) It's for you-- it looks like you got your wish.

GB: (Jumping up and down) FINALLY!! FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD!! JERRY?? JERRY??

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Over the phone) T-BOMBED!!!!!!!!

GB: OWWWWWW (Grabbing his ear and falling over) My ear, my ear.....I....I think it's bleeding.

JB: Much like the Coyotes bleeding money from Glendale...

"Bett and Bals" : Moyes Money, Moyes Money, Moyes Money

This drama with the Coyotes doesn't seem to be ending. This time, the NHL is suing former owner Jerry Moyes for a breach of contract for the way he went about going into bankruptcy and trying to sell the Coyotes. There's a lot of money involved in the suit against Moyes, including the fees for the NHL's legal team, the operating losses for this year, as well as paying Wayne Gretzky. Considering both Gary Bettman and Jim Balsillie were involved, it seems like perfect timing to bring back this whole gem. Enjoy....or not.

We'll see scene with Balsillie sitting on the couch, feet up on the table as Bettman is frantically running between the kitchen and living room on his cell phone to his legal team.

Gary Bettman: Okay, so we've got the operating losses covered, Gretzky covered...is there anyway we can sue him to pay the Brooklyn Brawler for the Jobing.com naming rights?? Well, I don't know if he was directly involved, but I don't think Barry Horowitz was in mind when they had it all going for them. Just look into it and get back to me-- we're going to get him where he's hurting...literally. Bye.

Jim Balsillie: The funny thing about this is you think that he has the money for this whole fiasco, Gar. There's a reason he was filing for bankruptcy, you know that right??

GB: What are you trying to say?? He broke the contract and went against the way we do business and now we're going to show him the NHL means business.

JB: Do business how?? Find any kind of jobber to run a team and then pass the buck when they fail?? I can't see to see what happens when this jabroni in Tampa realizes he doesn't have much going for him down there and wants to ditch them off again. That's what's going to happen, you and I both know this.

GB: You don't know that, because if knew things like you thought you did-- you'd be owning a team in some suburb of Toronto right now, right?? Listen, when you own a team, you have a certain responsibility to keep your nose clean.

JB: Like Bruce McNall and Boots Del Biaggio did for their teams??

GB: Hey now-- we knew what they were doing and....

JB: And still let Del Biaggio back into the league. It's a craptastic way to do business.

GB: But for every one of those guys, we have 20 or more guys who aren't under indictment. Plus, our owners are honest people when it comes to their dealings-- they'll never curtail the rules when it comes to our league.

JB: Hmmm, like Jeremy Jacobs signing Joe Thornton to a huge rookie deal and Craig Leipold selling his team to who YOU wanted to if he was able to become the owner of the Minnesota Wild??

GB: Exactly. Wait...

JB: The fact remains, this situation wouldn't be an issue if you let him sell the team to me. He would have gotten the money he lost, everyone would have been paid, YOU would have had those legal fees to pay off, and we'd be getting on with like.

GB: Maybe so, but the fact remains that people aren't fans of you and your rebel ways, Jim. Come on, you know you don't have the BoG's ear. Who's to say it'd be over for you, him, or us had we let this go through. I know I'm 90% sure we would be tied up in court together and probably be splitting hotel costs in order to save some cash. It's not like selling the team to you would be a magical fix as you thought it would be.

JB: Sure, the City of Glendale would have been on our asses, but that's why we put in conditions in the sale about if we don't reach expectations, we have the ability to pull the team out of their current home and go somewhere that they are wanted and will bring in profit. I know me getting the team wouldn't be the cure to the headache, but when you work WITH ME rather than against me; we'd be in a better place-- that much I'm sure.

GB: Why work with you when no one wanted you. You're 0-for-3 in teams, two of your own short-sightedness and jumping the gun on many things, while the other we kind of blocked you from. You did have the BoG's ear, then you tried selling season tickets to a non-existed relocated team. Working with you hasn't done the trick, so why should we trust working with you now.

JB: You work with me because if you actually want money to be spend by someone other than the league and not have GMs up in arms about your trade deadline movement, regardless of how small it really was, then you'll look for someone willing to deal with the albatross that is this team. You put conditions in the sale in terms of relocating the team, I would have been able to work within that and then it's up to everyone involved to market this team and make them a success so we wouldn't have to worry about the conditions.

GB: Maybe we'll be do business in the future, but I don't know if we can trust what you say. You can say one thing and do another-- we've known that for a while now. We'll see what happens with Florida, maybe you could do something in Miami or Atlanta or another one of these great Sunbelt teams. I mean, you could make them work there and actually make me look like a genius.

JB: (under breath) I'll get right on that....

GB: Now, I've had too much water and excitement and now I have to piss. (Walks to the bathroom, hears water running) Dammit, Jim-- you can't have the fountain going when you're not in here. What are we, made of money?? I'm suing a bankrupt guy, so that shows you how much I had. Wait-- the showers on...you're here, I'm here....(pulls back shower curtain)...

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!

GB: OHJEEBUS!! (Falls into hallway)

JB: Who didn't see that one coming, really?? You'd think by now, you'd put two and two together.

GB: I come up with Maui for expansion....is that the answer??

JB: Good sweet Lord.....

"Bett and Bals": Tampa Turmoil

Just when you think it's all over, something else pops up. To thank for that, we have CBC's Elliotte Friedman for revealing more issues in Tampa Bay than meets the eye. While the issues with OK Hockey have always been present, the fact the old owner doesn't want them; shows how much of an issue Tampa could become.

We set the scene with Gary frantically on the phone, pacing in front of the TV of the living room, as Jim sits on the couch, bobbing and weaving trying to see the TV.

Gary Bettman: But look, Mrs. Davidson, they won a championship under your husband's reign. Wouldn't you love to have that team back-- to remember the good times of his legacy?? Sure, Oren and Len kind of made a mess of it.....but....no, they aren't going to acquire Nathan Horton and have a "Seen Stamkos/Horton Hears A Who??" slogan-off.

Jim Balsillie: Slogan-off?? I'm starving!! Gary, we have any beef slogan-off in the kitchen??

GB: (covering the phone) That's beef stroganoff and I said no before. (back to the phone) Mrs. Davidson, I'll make sure it's taken care of before the 15th. Trust me, have I ever swayed anyone wrong before??

(Jim stares daggers at Gary and gives him the stink-eye)

GB: (avoiding eye-contact with Jim) I'll be back with you. Good bye. (hangs up, falls back onto the couch) MY GOD!! What was I thinking when I put those two guys in charge. You'd think with all those awful "Saw" movies and "Two and a Half Men" cash coming in, Koules would have the money to cover this team in everything they needed.

JB: Well, you know Gary-- that deadline is close to Valentine's Day and I'd love nothing more than for you to buy me a hockey team. I'd love you forever.

GB: Ick, that's the last thing I want. Don't worry-- we can make this work in Tampa. They have a Stanley Cup, we can't move a Stanley Cup winner. That'd just.....just be immoral and detrimental to the sport. We can't be a laughingstock in this landscape.

JB: Well, can't be the laughingstock when no one is paying attention, that's for sure. But at what point did you think this would be a good idea to give it to these guys?? I mean, you look at what they had to offer and they were disjointed from the start. It was run worse than any fly-by-night pyramid scheme out there.

GB: Funny enough, they were still better than you in terms of getting the team. In fact, I don't think you made an effort of it all-- right??

JB: Of course not, the Davidson's weren't on my radar. But, you look at the demographic and it's almost like this Phoenix mess. What happens if you own this team, too?? Why not just contract the teams and you'll get down to 28 teams, seven per division, then we bring back divisional playoffs-- as was always intended.

GB: That's just silly, I put a stop to that because it's unnatural. Fact of the matter is that these two teams can be profitable if I can find the right ownership. At least Koules put something out there and tried, but went a bit over the top and really didn't have a grasp about how a team should be run. Hell, you could have run that team better.

JB: Well, why not throw myself in the mix for this one?? This is something where I could just take a bad product, do some slight improvements, still not have the fans come out because it's a bit too hot.....then we move to my backyard and I can wake up to the practice everyday. We all win because not only do I get a team into Canada, but you'll get a stable franchise once all is said and done, as well as one less headache in the mix.

GB: If you're going to make improvements, why not build a fan-base there and try to convince these people that this is their team?? You can grow the brand of the team by that.

JB: Yes, because they really capitalized off the Stanley Cup and the "Seen Stamkos" campaign. Hell, the even brought back Barry Melrose to see if that'd garner some attention-- and it really didn't. Every gimmick didn't work as many would have thought and it's time for a change. You look at the other Florida team-- they're having issues as well, so why would it work for one team and not the other?? Sure, an interstate separates them, but at the same time-- it's virtually the same market demographic and it's probably not going to work in either.

GB: Guh, I don't need to think about Miami right now unless we're going on vacation. But, they're a former Cup winner and do have a loyal fanbase-- it's not like they haven't succeeded on some gimmicks-- remember when they had the big crowds at the Thunderdome??

JB: Don't even get me started on that-- here's a team who has had issue with ownership from day one with Phil Esposito's group. It's a mismanaged group and probably won't get the correct owner for the gig and the publicity they need to thrive in a place like Tampa Bay. Tampa as a whole is really apathetic to sports-- look at when the Buccaneers won the Lombardi Trophy; hardly anyone came out!! They also didn't come out for the Rays when they went to the World Series!! What does that tell you about a city when they won't come out for their championship teams. I think the only reason they came out for the Stanley Cup is because of the cold conditions in the rink, mostly due to Tampa being too hot to be a real city.

GB: I'll give you the point about mismanaged ownership and what-not, but they did come out and that's really what matters in the end for me. As long as people are coming out, they should be able to sustain something of a fan-base to keep the team going on and be loyal enough to fight your attempts to move this team to Chateau Balsillie.

JB: Fine, we'll just have to agree to disagree. (looks at watch) Holy, we're late for dinner reservations. If we don't get there in time, we'll be limited to the salad and breaksticks we get with the meal. Grab my coat, I need to get my wallet.

GB: (gets up, walks to closest) You'll be needing that wallet plus a couple more in order to convince me that you're going to be a contender for this team. (opens closet)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (throws coats at Gary) T-BOMBED!!!

GB: OH SWEET LORD!! (falls backwards)

JB: (walking to Gary on the ground) These running gags are fantastic, aren't they??

"Bett and Bals": French Quarters

I've been pondering what to do next with B&B and thankfully-- news of a Quebec City meeting has come out, as has rumors of the NHL wanting to move Atlanta to QC in the next five years, even if it is a Tweet from a random person. Now, I been pondering what is going to happen if I had $20 million....
(We start out with Balsillie pacing in front of the couch, peeking at the TV waiting for Bettman to come back from wherever he went. Bettman has been gone for a week, never telling Balsillie where he was headed.)

Jim Balsillie: I hope Gary gets back soon. Man, do I have some questions for him.

Gary Bettman: (On phone) Merci, merci, ciao. (Hangs up) Oh, Jim....ummm....hi.

JB: Don't "hi" me, you're killing me here. I've got tons of questions and you bolt on me without telling me what's going on. You don't think I'm not onto you, you don't want me to have this do you??

GB: Look, Jim-- it's just business. But, I think you can ask and I'll be open with you.

JB: Fine-- where's the bottle opener??

GB: What?? Nothing about Quebec City?? Nothing about expansion or relocation??

JB: No, why the hell would I want to to know about that. I'm drinking tap water like a dog because I can't find the bottle opener for the liquor.

GB: I think most are twist offs....but I've been in Quebec City for the week talking to them about getting a team out there.

JB: HAHAHA-- that's a riot. Why would play a cruel trick on them like that?? I mean, honestly Gar; that's just mean. Everyone knows that I'm going to be the next guy to get something in Canada.

GB: Yeah....about that....

JB: You're serious?? What did those Frenchies do to you mind, Gary?? They had a team in Quebec City and you allowed them to move out of there. I mean, you look at Atlanta and they get a team back and looks like they'll be mind soon enough.

GB: Well, that's just it.....

JB: THEY'RE GOING TO BE MOVING TO QUEBEC??? SACRE BLEU!!!

GB: Funny, but there's rumors about them move up there if they can't get their asses in gear. But Quebec just failed due to the economy; because they had great fan support before they moved out. They just couldn't deal with a team due to money. If they want to get the Winter Olympics up there like has been rumored, they're getting a new arena in place, which could put them over the edge.

JB: Gary, Gary, Gary-- at what point do you think that this will all go down the crapper for them?? Do you think the economy will last for them up there and think they'll be viable?? They don't even speak English up there, what kind of chance do they have with all the Anglo folks we have around??

GB: You do know a lot of players speak French, right??

JB: Who, the real Frenchy Cristobal Huet-- he doesn't count-- he's from there.

GB: No, you moron-- there's plenty of French Canadians from Quebec who are playing in the NHL and can speak French. I mean, Montreal is a hub for French speakers who are a demanding market. I'm sure with you going to school in Canada-- you had French classes as well; it's a bi-lingual country, Jim.

JB: Whatever, Gary-- the only French I know is what I drop on game telecast. Fact of the matter is that they aren't going to be getting the government support if they start to fail-- which was shown back when they first had this issue. I don't think it's going to be a solid idea to give it to a troublesome place like that, which so much more political going on that meets the eyes. And so what if they have an arena being made-- look at Kansas City-- that things just sitting there looking like a giant disco ball with no one taking up residence.

GB: Kansas City is a great choice, but they aren't showing the interest like Quebec City. Plus, you get your seventh team like you marched for, right??

JB: But it's not MY team, Gary-- it's someone elses. And I mean, come on-- Quebec?? No one outside of Quebec cares about them or thinks of them as Canadian-- remember those separation votes??

GB: Politics, smolitics. They're putting out the money, they have an untapped market of QMJHL fans who have enjoyed the NHL in the past, and it's Canada. Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!!

JB: That's the last time I buy you any early 90s sketch-comedy DVD sets. Look, just take your coat off and stay awhile-- we have more pressing issues; bottle opener.

GB: I told you, they're twist-off. (Opens up closet)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Jumps out) T-BOMBED!!!!!!

GB: AHH!!! (Passes out)

JB: God, I love that-- thanks RTB.

RTB: T-BOMBS AWAY!!!!!

"Bett and Bals": Relief From The Heat??

This gimmick will never end, even with all these people coming out of the woodworks. Hit the "Bett and Bals" tag at the end to see the other episodes of this gimmick. You may laugh, you may learn something, but you'll definitely read it. That much I know.

(Scene: Gary Bettman is sitting at the kitchen table, looking through papers while on the phone. Bettman searches to find something that could get him rid of this team.)
Gary Bettman: So, we have this team-- they are going to be fantastic. There's a lot of young players ready to go, there's an untapped market out there, and if you want me to be honest-- I think I can get you a steal of a deal.

Anonymous Caller: I see Mr. Bettman, but can I trade them??

GB: Players?? Sure, you'll own the team-- you can do what you want, so long as you keep them in Phoenix.

AC: I mean, trade you some BlackBerries for the Coyotes??

GB: BALSILLIE!!!!

(Jim Balsillie peeks his head around the corner with a smirk and walks to sit down near Bettman)
Jim Balsillie: I almost was going to lead you on a little more, but I think I'll let you off the hook this time. Yet, I was going to see what I could do and maybe get you drunk to get you off your rocker to get this team.

GB: Keep trying, but I'm waiting for this phone call about another investor.

JB: You're kidding me right?? Is it those Saskatoon guys again, because it didn't work with the Expos when they were moving between Montreal and Puerto Rico, but ending up in DC-- how will this all work out??

GB: No, look-- according to the Globe and Mail there's a guy who wanted to buy the Canadiens at the start of the decade and then again just recently that wants to buy the Coyotes. He's got a lot of local investors and actually wants to keep the team here in Phoenix. Then we can finally get rid of this condo and not have to worry about dealing with each other until Atlanta or Miami gets in trouble.

JB: He goes from trying to buy the greatest team in the history of the NHL to a footnote in the Sunbelt expansion project?? I don't know if this guy's mentally apt to take control of a team, to be honest. How is he really any different from me??

GB: For one, he's not trying to move the team to Montreal and already selling tickets. Second, he's got local interests and wants to keep the team there. Third, this could work out. I mean-- the local investors thing worked out in Edmonton and Atlanta. Why do you think that it wouldn't work out in Phoenix??

JB: Too easy.

GB: Then explain it to me Mr. Smartypants.

JB: Real grown up. Anyway, the Edmonton situation turned into a disaster at the end before they finally sold it to Daryl Katz-- and even then, they had to be pressured into doing it because they wanted to seemingly drag the team down with 124 different investors having a say in it. Plus, with a name like Camelback Hockey, they may be able to survive the drought of income because they are stacked up, but it seems destined for failure.

GB: The fact of the matter is this could be the only reasonable bite we've had. I don't know what's going on with the heat for this team-- but if we can move this soon enough, god knows we may have to sell this team to you in order to get our investment back.

JB: I like where this is headed....may have to talk to this guy and get on this investor train...

GB: Like we'd allow you to do that. Truth of the matter is we need to unload this team sooner rather than later so it doesn't affect the other teams with us owning it. Plus, the team can grow in a bigger role with an independant guy at the helm. Even with all those hands in the pot-- our hands would be out of there.

JB: Yeah, because we wouldn't be at the exact same issue in a few years with all those people in shambles. Look, honestly-- even if it's not me-- you have to give this team a situation where it has the viability to survive. If these guys just want the team for the hell of it-- then eff 'em. Yet, if they actually have radical changes to make this team profitable, then it's worth the shot. I don't think they really get the ideal of making this radical change and want it for a write-off or just to say they own a team. This guy had a hand to try and buy the Habs and yet, nothing came from it. That could tell you something about his leadership or organization towards things.

GB: Even so....I wouldn't have to really deal with it for a time, therefore, he's a great suitor. Take the burden off the league's hands and put it to someone else. Maybe they could make it work, maybe they won't-- it won't be a problem until it's a problem again. Out of sight out of mind to be honest.

JB: Just give the team to me-- we'll move it to Canada, you can come visit, I'll replace your iPhone with my new BlackBerry-- we'll get a place in Kitchener-Waterloo; I think it's gonna be an ideal situation for you and me both. We do well together.

GB: Look at this mess-- think I'm living with you again....too much money laying around. I know it's a desert, but you don't have to make it rain in the living room.

(Phone rings)

GB: This could be the guy, hold on. Hello, Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner.

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!!!!

GB: GAH!! MY EAR!!!

JB: Best. Gag. Ever.

GB: WHAT?!?

"Bett and Bals": Delusion of Grandeur

For those of you who don't know about "Bett and Bals", make sure you read the premise. This is all in good fun and usually used for filler, but hey-- it is what it is, right?? I'm not getting paid for this.....though, if I were....

In any case, the first installment of "B&B" has to do with the recent news out about the NHL, who now owns the Phoenix Coyotes, and the City of Glendale trying to reach a lease agreement on the crazy 30 year lease going on.

(Setting: Phoenix condo, overlooking the desert. The living room of Gary Bettman and Jim Balsillie is were we're at, with Gary on the phone trying to work something out.)

Gary Bettman: Now listen, listen-- I'm thinking about we end this year, then go on a week-to-week to basis from this point on. Okay, maybe week-to-week is a little much, sure-- but think of the demand of tickets if they don't know whether or not the team is staying or not. What do you mean "What about the arena employees??" Isn't the arena the Jobing.com Arena?? There ya go, just surf there and they're halfway to a new job. Hello?? Hello??

Jim Balsillie: HAHA-- oh Gary, you'll be the death of me.

GB: How much did you hear??

JB: Enough to know that you're never going to sway the city like that. I mean, let's be honest-- as much as you say you want someone in the position to keep the team in Phoenix, odds are they won't be able to make headway with the city in order to get rid of that ridiculous lease they have lined up.

GB: Look, we both know that the era of hockey in Phoenix in the NHL is coming to a head if we can't get something going. The team is winning and has a great array of talent and aside from the die-hards, no one is showing up unless it's a big name team they've seen on ESPN before.

JB: By the way, how's that DirecTV thing coming??

GB: SILENCE!! Listen, once we find a sucker to take this team off our hands, we'll be fine. Even if I have to give it to that place that wanted to play some games in Toon-Town. I don't get it, Phoenix had the Coyotes and Roadrunners playing hockey at the same time and it's not called Toon-Town yet?? How the hell does that happen??

JB: What's the deal with the marketing?? Wasn't this area supposed to be all in support of this?? I had my fair share of people bashing me for my tactics. This is like the third time it's happened.

GB: They caused an outlash because you're a douche. The fact of the matter is that I already have the die-hards' money. I need to get something going. Something needs to click. We've done the cheap tickets gimmick, we've done reduced sales, NOTHING!! It's like this climate can't deal with the idea of hockey.

JB: Shocking. It's not like the sunbelt gimmick you tried to pull is a complete failure-- just look at the ownerships in the other places like Miami, Tampa, Atlanta....they're thriving in your experiment in all of this. It's not like they have ownership issues or attendance issues or anything like that.

GB: But....but Tampa won a Cup. They had a guy who did the "SAW" movies and "Two and a Half Men," how could it go wrong?? The Thrashers have nine guys owning the team.

JB: Nine guys??

GB: Nine guys. And Miami....well, who knows when David Caruso will pop-up and remove his glasses. If we have a "Guaranteed David Caruso Night" for a Panthers game-- oh boy will we have a hot bank for that market. If we can do that 41 games a year-- mo' money, mo' money, mo' money.

JB: Great "In Living Color" reference, grandpa. Here's the issue with all of this, I'm looking at those four markets on my new BlackBerry Bold...

GB: Stop with the plugs....

JB:....and those markets are (scroll, scroll, scroll) 25th (Tampa), 26th (Florida), 28th (Atlanta), and 30th (Phoenix) in attendance figures. And it's not like there's not talent-- the ownerships don't know how to market a team in an area like that. They try once and when it doesn't happen for them, they don't try a different avenue. They think it's a one-shot deal and then flounder, wondering why it didn't work. You have to try different things, pick and choose....like your BlackBerry choices.

GB: Oof....but how do you do that?? I mean, even with new owners-- who's to say it'll chance. Hell, we're not doing anything to make them more manageable. The insane part is the people who think movements will do anything. Let's be honest here, odds are this team won't be here in five years unless something miraculous happens. This team is Kansas City bound, hell....maybe we could give this ship to you.

JB: Really??

GB: No, but you got your hopes up didn't you??

(Knock on the door)

GB: It's unlocked, we're trusting like that.

(Door opens to the upstairs neighbor)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!!

(Door closes and footsteps run up the stairs)

GB: God, I hate when he does that.

JB: Are you kidding me, that's fantastic. It's the newest hook out there.

GB: Always have to be difficult don't you??

JB: What would this horrific sitcom be without it??

(End Scene)