"Bett and Bals": But It's A Dry Deadline

The clock is ticking. Not just on the countdown of the new Blackberry 10, but the fact that Greg Jamison is waiting to the 11th hour in order to decide if he's going to deal with the lease agreements that the City of Glendale has set out or if he'll let it pass and hope it regroups. As it is, Gary Bettman is still rattled from the lockout and now has to put up with this. His court-ordered roommate Jim Balsillie is just mocking him without doing much of anything.

The scene is Jim Balsillie is sitting at the kitchen island, intently staring at Gary Bettman on the couch. Bettman looks around the couch to see what's behind him that Balsillie could be looking at, then starts to be come unnerved. 

Gary Bettman: What....what are you looking at??

(Jim still staring down Gary)

GB: You know you're making me feel unsettled.

(Jim starts nodding his head slightly)

GB: Fine, I'll.....I'll just turn over here....

(Jim clears his throat, still focused on Gary)

GB: OKAY, OKAY!! I SHOULD HAVE SOLD YOU THE TEAM, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

Jim Ballsillie (removes earbuds): What's that??

GB: YOU-- YOU SHOULD BE IN PHOENIX, THIS IS A DISASTER!! FIRST THE LOCKOUT, NOW THIS!!

JB: Oh, that?? I'm over that.

GB:....wait, what?? Over it??

JB: Yeah, the Blackberry 10 is coming out and people are ready to take over the next floundering team. Phoenix is passée  my man; people have their sights set on Sunrise.

GB: But the Panthers aren't going anywhere....are they??

JB: That's neither here nor there-- but I like how my old company is doing something you haven't been able to do in the same time frame-- reinvent itself. Will they actually make an impact and will people actually come back to Blackberry?? Who's to say, but at least it's not the same old song and dance that the Coyotes have been giving us for years on end.

GB: How can it change though?? We've had this whole thing set up for months-- Greg Jamison said we'd get this whole thing done. He had investors, but they lived somewhere else and I didn't know them. That's trustworthy enough, right?? Is it wrong to believe him??

JB: Maybe this isn't your fault-- maybe this is the City of Glendale going a little too sports crazy for a team that may not want to be there. Let's get to the brass tacks and say that Glendale thinks it's better than it actually is. This isn't a place where you'll get a lot of people to go just for the sake of seeing the place-- it's a pass-through town otherwise and they're trying to grab onto anything they can to get an identity.

GB: How can we get out of it?? It's just insane how this city is holding everyone by the short-hairs. It's like that awful girlfriend who won't go away and just threatens everything in order to keep you there in a loveless relationship. And you die a little each time when you give them a chance....her friends don't like you, but you provide something, so they tolerate you. But you're dying inside....you're dying and losing every time you look at her....

JB: Jesus.....you alright??

GB: First, it was Fehr and now it's the fear of actually having to do something again. But at least Quebec City is looking nice. They're building an arena already, even without a team-- and outside of the rainy Seattle climate, it provides a great backdrop. Winter Classics, a lot of French love, it's good times there.

JB: Remember a place called Kansas City?? Remember when they built an arena with no team at all?? I remember because that was a battle ground for me. If you want to do that whole expansion thing, you'd be better off in Quebec City and get more money; but what happens first-- the silliness of Glendale gets solved or a team in Quebec City?? Seattle is doing it right-- they're making sure they have a basketball team, something they actually want, before building up a new building.

GB: Right now, Kansas City could actually draw more and more than what we're doing in Glendale. At this point, I'm of the ideal that we can grease some palms and get out of this-- they have a new city council who probably doesn't want to take money from city services in order to keep a team that bilks money over and over. As much as I like the money of expansion and waiting until an arena is done-- I also like not having to deal with these people in Glendale.

JB: Is this the "hill you die on" like all the other CBA hills you've frolicked in?? Are you waiting for this team to just kill itself so you don't have to make a decision and get more hate mail?? Because as much as people would love contraction-- it's not something that's going to appear, it's got to be an executive order.

GB: Haters are going to hate-- so I couldn't get a damn about that. I'm just exhausted from getting a season done and now having to get a deal done because people can't get their money in order, AND I STILL GET THE BLAME?? It's a broken record and people are stupid because if I keep the team there, I'm screwing the league and if I don't move the team, I'm screwing the league.

JB: Can't win for losing, big guy. (Doorbell rings) Oh, that's my BB10 prototype-- you want to answer that.

GB: Oh, so this is where the T-Bomb happens?? You're going the predictable route??

JB: Just get it, stupid-- he's nowhere to be found.

GB: Okay (opens door) T-BOMB!!! BEAT YOU TO....oh...

Delivery Guy: AH!!! DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!!! (drops package)

JB: Good job, now I have go get it fixed. What is your problem, you think everyone is after you.

GB: Sorry, sorry....I'll go get it fixed.

JB: You better. (Gary picks up package and walks to the car) Wait for it. (Gary opens the car door and sits down) Almost there. (Gary puts key in the ignition, starts it up).

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Jumps from the back seat) T-BOMB!!!!!

GB: GOOD SWEET LORD!!! (Hits the steering wheel with force, car horn goes off, airbag inflates)

JB: Long way for a tired sight-gag on a blog.

"Bett and Bals": Move Hitting the Eye Like a Big Pizza Guy

In the wake of Boston Pizza CEO Jim Treliving's possible tongue-in-cheek implication (skip to the nine minute mark) he could be kicking the tires for the Phoenix Coyotes (which his son is the assistant GM for), it's time to get the take on the two bobbleheads of this blog. Especially considering that the City of Glendale is able to be on "Ghost Town" watch, it could take a Canadian pizza guy to save the day.

(Gary Bettman sits on the couch as the Jim Balsillie comes in from the kitchen)

Gary Bettman: I mean, look-- they got these new all-meat wings with 18 flavors.

Jim Balsillie: Aren't all wing meat?? And who needs that much flavor??

GB: The point is this, they won't make any bones about their wings or their possible bid.

JB: That's a terrible pun, but they really haven't made a bid. Treliving is a guy who was put on the spot by a guy who turned VJ to intellectual CBC host. Honestly, how can you trust a guy saying something on a late-night, public broadcasting show that own a company that has a city that's never once been connected to pizza.

GB: But it's hope, Jim-boy. We haven't has much of that since the last guy ditched us for St. Louis....to which he couldn't follow through on that either.

JB: I mean clam chowder, sure-- but pizza?? They had a Boston cheesesteak at one point, that totally doesn't make sense.

GB: Even if it's from a guy who may or may not be serious because his kid's job is involved-- it's something we haven't had public for a while. Granted, we could have some nepotism going on-- but that worked out in Colorado, right??

JB: Hell, I could even see if lobster or seafood in general; but pizza??

GB: FOCUS, 'Sillie. We have a chance to turn this thing around. They've got two franchises down there already, we've got a Canadian tie-in without actually moving the team to Canada and have me looking miserable as I hand over the keys.

JB: While that may be, who's to say that they can come up with all these gimmicks to keep generating money to keep the team in town?? If you relocate the team, you cut ties to the anchor that has drained the city of money and screws over that whole revenue sharing thing you have in place for some teams. Heck, the other team in town is thinking of suing the city-- it's a mess and do you really want to clean it up??

GB: If I sell the team in time and hurry up the transition, it's not my problem anymore. Let the crazy pizza guy do it for himself. Maybe have 17 stores around the arena or something, I don't know. I'd rather not move this team, but if I can't get my money one way or another-- we've got to ship them somewhere.

JB: Yet, this has been a five-year plan in to almost a decade. Or at least it feels that way. It's past the point of mockery, it's past the point of hilarity, it's to the point of sadness and wanting it to end-- like SNL at times.

GB: They got Russ Tyler on there now-- he's good.

JB: Fair enough. The crazy part of this is it seems you're trying to make a point and it's not working. Atlanta moved like a thief in the night and still the Coyotes are just there waiting for something. Do you think people care anymore?? Everyone just wants this to be done because we're tired of this, it's run its course and now-- time to crap or get off the pot.

(Bettman's computer goes off, "You've Got  Mail")

JB: (Looking confused) Who uses AOL anymore??

GB: Shut it-- see, this person loves the Coyotes and enjoys the efforts. Huh, there's even an attachment....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Through the computer) T-BOMB!!!!!!!!

GB: GAH POP-UPS!!!! (Falls over off the couch)

JB: And there you have it.....we still find a way.

"Bett and Bals" The Premise

It's been a crazy day, with Mats Sundin retiring (for now) and all, but for the most part, the day was stolen by Judge Redfield T. Baum's ruling that BOTH Jim Balsillie's and the NHL's bid for the Phoenix Coyotes have been rejected. Balsillie's rejected due to the Board of Governors not approving him to buy the team and the NHL's being rejected because it was too low.

However, I would have to say that the best and most amusing result would have been if RTB were to ACCEPT BOTH bids and have Balsillie and Bettman co-exist in a sitcom like fashion. Now, how it would work is that both men would have to live in a condo in Glendale and deal with day-to-day operations of the Coyotes. Of course, this creates bedlum between the two, as they have a strong dislike for one another. Yet, to keep the peace, RTB moves to the condo upstairs thanks to a supreme court order saying he is responsible for making this partnership work since he made this wacky decision. So, you have the two millionaire owners bickering on what to do and the upstairs judge trying to keep the whole thing civil and not get them all thrown out of the condos.

I'm already sold, how about you??

But who's to play each character?? That's simple:


Darren Pang on stilts as Jim Balsillie

It makes sense. They both kind of look alike, they are both very talkative people, they are both hockey nuts. Of course, the stilts get a credit because they are what's carrying Pang and the premise for this whole thing. Granted, it'll look awkward to start off with, but he'll grow into the stilts, I promise.


Count Count as Gary Bettman

This just writes itself. I mean, they look a like, they like counting-- whether it's for the betterment for the children or if it's just the money rolling in from revenue. They are short, balding, and puppets to someone more powerful.


Dana Carvey as John McLaughlin as Judge Redfield T. Baum

When I look at composites of RTB, he seems to me like Dana Carvey in his old skits as John McLaughlin of the "McLaughlin Group", which is a political show. Of course, both are moderators of their forum, both authoritative, and both sick of all in front of them. Fantastic.

Of course, there will be pop-ins from Jerry Moyes, Jerry Reinsdorf, and the Tampa bunch of Oren Koules and Len Barrie. It has the makings of the most fantastic sitcom pertaining to hockey since "The Tournament."

Stay Tuned

EDIT: The Canadian from Canadian vs. the Yanks put some PERFECT ideas for the guest stars in all of this. Just check the comments for her take on it.

EDIT AGAIN: Also, have to give a call to Aaron from Bird Watchers Anonymous for the idea of RTB living above Bett and Bals