"Bett and Bals": But It's A Dry Deadline

The clock is ticking. Not just on the countdown of the new Blackberry 10, but the fact that Greg Jamison is waiting to the 11th hour in order to decide if he's going to deal with the lease agreements that the City of Glendale has set out or if he'll let it pass and hope it regroups. As it is, Gary Bettman is still rattled from the lockout and now has to put up with this. His court-ordered roommate Jim Balsillie is just mocking him without doing much of anything.

The scene is Jim Balsillie is sitting at the kitchen island, intently staring at Gary Bettman on the couch. Bettman looks around the couch to see what's behind him that Balsillie could be looking at, then starts to be come unnerved. 

Gary Bettman: What....what are you looking at??

(Jim still staring down Gary)

GB: You know you're making me feel unsettled.

(Jim starts nodding his head slightly)

GB: Fine, I'll.....I'll just turn over here....

(Jim clears his throat, still focused on Gary)

GB: OKAY, OKAY!! I SHOULD HAVE SOLD YOU THE TEAM, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

Jim Ballsillie (removes earbuds): What's that??

GB: YOU-- YOU SHOULD BE IN PHOENIX, THIS IS A DISASTER!! FIRST THE LOCKOUT, NOW THIS!!

JB: Oh, that?? I'm over that.

GB:....wait, what?? Over it??

JB: Yeah, the Blackberry 10 is coming out and people are ready to take over the next floundering team. Phoenix is passée  my man; people have their sights set on Sunrise.

GB: But the Panthers aren't going anywhere....are they??

JB: That's neither here nor there-- but I like how my old company is doing something you haven't been able to do in the same time frame-- reinvent itself. Will they actually make an impact and will people actually come back to Blackberry?? Who's to say, but at least it's not the same old song and dance that the Coyotes have been giving us for years on end.

GB: How can it change though?? We've had this whole thing set up for months-- Greg Jamison said we'd get this whole thing done. He had investors, but they lived somewhere else and I didn't know them. That's trustworthy enough, right?? Is it wrong to believe him??

JB: Maybe this isn't your fault-- maybe this is the City of Glendale going a little too sports crazy for a team that may not want to be there. Let's get to the brass tacks and say that Glendale thinks it's better than it actually is. This isn't a place where you'll get a lot of people to go just for the sake of seeing the place-- it's a pass-through town otherwise and they're trying to grab onto anything they can to get an identity.

GB: How can we get out of it?? It's just insane how this city is holding everyone by the short-hairs. It's like that awful girlfriend who won't go away and just threatens everything in order to keep you there in a loveless relationship. And you die a little each time when you give them a chance....her friends don't like you, but you provide something, so they tolerate you. But you're dying inside....you're dying and losing every time you look at her....

JB: Jesus.....you alright??

GB: First, it was Fehr and now it's the fear of actually having to do something again. But at least Quebec City is looking nice. They're building an arena already, even without a team-- and outside of the rainy Seattle climate, it provides a great backdrop. Winter Classics, a lot of French love, it's good times there.

JB: Remember a place called Kansas City?? Remember when they built an arena with no team at all?? I remember because that was a battle ground for me. If you want to do that whole expansion thing, you'd be better off in Quebec City and get more money; but what happens first-- the silliness of Glendale gets solved or a team in Quebec City?? Seattle is doing it right-- they're making sure they have a basketball team, something they actually want, before building up a new building.

GB: Right now, Kansas City could actually draw more and more than what we're doing in Glendale. At this point, I'm of the ideal that we can grease some palms and get out of this-- they have a new city council who probably doesn't want to take money from city services in order to keep a team that bilks money over and over. As much as I like the money of expansion and waiting until an arena is done-- I also like not having to deal with these people in Glendale.

JB: Is this the "hill you die on" like all the other CBA hills you've frolicked in?? Are you waiting for this team to just kill itself so you don't have to make a decision and get more hate mail?? Because as much as people would love contraction-- it's not something that's going to appear, it's got to be an executive order.

GB: Haters are going to hate-- so I couldn't get a damn about that. I'm just exhausted from getting a season done and now having to get a deal done because people can't get their money in order, AND I STILL GET THE BLAME?? It's a broken record and people are stupid because if I keep the team there, I'm screwing the league and if I don't move the team, I'm screwing the league.

JB: Can't win for losing, big guy. (Doorbell rings) Oh, that's my BB10 prototype-- you want to answer that.

GB: Oh, so this is where the T-Bomb happens?? You're going the predictable route??

JB: Just get it, stupid-- he's nowhere to be found.

GB: Okay (opens door) T-BOMB!!! BEAT YOU TO....oh...

Delivery Guy: AH!!! DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!!! (drops package)

JB: Good job, now I have go get it fixed. What is your problem, you think everyone is after you.

GB: Sorry, sorry....I'll go get it fixed.

JB: You better. (Gary picks up package and walks to the car) Wait for it. (Gary opens the car door and sits down) Almost there. (Gary puts key in the ignition, starts it up).

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Jumps from the back seat) T-BOMB!!!!!

GB: GOOD SWEET LORD!!! (Hits the steering wheel with force, car horn goes off, airbag inflates)

JB: Long way for a tired sight-gag on a blog.

"Bett and Bals": Move Hitting the Eye Like a Big Pizza Guy

In the wake of Boston Pizza CEO Jim Treliving's possible tongue-in-cheek implication (skip to the nine minute mark) he could be kicking the tires for the Phoenix Coyotes (which his son is the assistant GM for), it's time to get the take on the two bobbleheads of this blog. Especially considering that the City of Glendale is able to be on "Ghost Town" watch, it could take a Canadian pizza guy to save the day.

(Gary Bettman sits on the couch as the Jim Balsillie comes in from the kitchen)

Gary Bettman: I mean, look-- they got these new all-meat wings with 18 flavors.

Jim Balsillie: Aren't all wing meat?? And who needs that much flavor??

GB: The point is this, they won't make any bones about their wings or their possible bid.

JB: That's a terrible pun, but they really haven't made a bid. Treliving is a guy who was put on the spot by a guy who turned VJ to intellectual CBC host. Honestly, how can you trust a guy saying something on a late-night, public broadcasting show that own a company that has a city that's never once been connected to pizza.

GB: But it's hope, Jim-boy. We haven't has much of that since the last guy ditched us for St. Louis....to which he couldn't follow through on that either.

JB: I mean clam chowder, sure-- but pizza?? They had a Boston cheesesteak at one point, that totally doesn't make sense.

GB: Even if it's from a guy who may or may not be serious because his kid's job is involved-- it's something we haven't had public for a while. Granted, we could have some nepotism going on-- but that worked out in Colorado, right??

JB: Hell, I could even see if lobster or seafood in general; but pizza??

GB: FOCUS, 'Sillie. We have a chance to turn this thing around. They've got two franchises down there already, we've got a Canadian tie-in without actually moving the team to Canada and have me looking miserable as I hand over the keys.

JB: While that may be, who's to say that they can come up with all these gimmicks to keep generating money to keep the team in town?? If you relocate the team, you cut ties to the anchor that has drained the city of money and screws over that whole revenue sharing thing you have in place for some teams. Heck, the other team in town is thinking of suing the city-- it's a mess and do you really want to clean it up??

GB: If I sell the team in time and hurry up the transition, it's not my problem anymore. Let the crazy pizza guy do it for himself. Maybe have 17 stores around the arena or something, I don't know. I'd rather not move this team, but if I can't get my money one way or another-- we've got to ship them somewhere.

JB: Yet, this has been a five-year plan in to almost a decade. Or at least it feels that way. It's past the point of mockery, it's past the point of hilarity, it's to the point of sadness and wanting it to end-- like SNL at times.

GB: They got Russ Tyler on there now-- he's good.

JB: Fair enough. The crazy part of this is it seems you're trying to make a point and it's not working. Atlanta moved like a thief in the night and still the Coyotes are just there waiting for something. Do you think people care anymore?? Everyone just wants this to be done because we're tired of this, it's run its course and now-- time to crap or get off the pot.

(Bettman's computer goes off, "You've Got  Mail")

JB: (Looking confused) Who uses AOL anymore??

GB: Shut it-- see, this person loves the Coyotes and enjoys the efforts. Huh, there's even an attachment....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Through the computer) T-BOMB!!!!!!!!

GB: GAH POP-UPS!!!! (Falls over off the couch)

JB: And there you have it.....we still find a way.

"Bett and Bals:" Miracles and Mirages

(Just when we thought that this series could be dead-- something happens to bring this back to a whole new level and why wouldn't this just be left for dead, huh?? That's silliness.)


Jim Balsillie: (Reading the paper on the couch) iPad3, how the hell do they keep doing this with their guy dead?? Of course, this could be a whole new thing when all is said and done....

Gary Bettman: (Busting through the door) SANCTUARY!!!

JB: I don't think that word means what you think it does.

GB: WELL, KISS MY GRITS!!

JB: Okay, that's better-- but what the hell are you so happy about?? This better be cause for this celebration.

GB: Jim....there's a mystery guy for Phoenix!!

JB: This seems like a repeat. Are we in syndication already??

GB: Seriously-- the perfect timing of this news RIGHT before the big meeting with the Board and....whew, see the wheels are in motion with this team. We've got Jerry Reinsdorf, who-- let's be honest-- built that Bulls team to a dynasty; we've got Greg Jamison, who was the guy who helps the Sharks get off the ground, and now...this mystery guy-- who HAS to be the best of the three. Man....this is fantastic.

JB: How many of these mystery men have come to fruition, though?? Let's be honest-- the only mystery is when this bid will be considered a failure yet again, then have Reinsdorf get told by you he's still in.

GB: This is own free will to be in, especially since the White Sox are about to actually get less and less relevant....if I have my way.

JB: But, honestly-- what's going on with this mystery crap?? Is there a reason you don't want this mystery to be really revealed??

GB: Why are you harshing my buzz?? The point is this-- we have a third guy out there and it's now a sweepstakes. The power of three is a lot better than the two guys debating over the team.

JB: Debating?? What debating?? Is there a sale to be had that you held out on??

GB: Well, we have to wait for the City of Glendale for their stuff....

JB: Standing behind them now, too?? Do they not want to be revealed?? IS there actually a third buyer??

GB: Oh, there's a third buyer. The city wants to know who they're getting into business and how they can restructure one way or the other. They definitely want to have a good relationship where they can rearrange and work to the benefit of everyone out there. Win-win.

JB: And what about moving?? Let's be honest-- even with the team being bought, what's going to be done with these rumors of a buy-and-move?? I keep hearing Seattle, Kansas City, Quebec....

GB: All great areas-- you see how much snow Seattle has gotten?? They'd be PERFECT for the 2014 Winter Classic with all that snow, are you kidding me?? But the movement is secondary to get the team out of there. Once they're out of my hair and under ownership in Phoenix for a year-- I'll be whatever to moving. It's less stress on me once I get rid of this team and someone else can worry about them.

JB: So moving is still an option??

GB: Of course. Especially if the city can't come up with a good plan, I'll pay the $25 million payments BACK to the city in order to get the team out of there if they aren't thriving. At this point, I just want someone to buy the team from me.

JB: Interesting......because now I may have to reveal myself.

GB: Wait...what?? Didn't you just get fired??

JB: Fired nothing, I stepped down.

GB: If this turns out to be you.....(footsteps running up and down the hallway)...the hell....look, if it turns out to be you....(crashing into walls)...Okay, that's enough for our property value (Opens the door) Alright you rapscallions, this is....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Running By) T- BOMBED!!!!

GB: OH GOOD LORD (Falling backwards)

JB: Drive-by gimmicks now. Enjoyable, as always.

"Bett and Bals:" Means and Ends

All good things may come to an end, which may be the case now-- but even with a possible ending; it may spark a new beginning....or not be an end at all. The fact that Jim Balsillie is now out a Research in Motion; it could make it harder for him to buy a team in the NHL...but it doesn't make it easier for Gary Bettman-- but they still to live together in the condo of perpetual bickering; as you're about to see now. 


(Laying on the couch lamenting about what has happened, Jim Balsillie waits for the inevitable mocking by Gary Bettman).

Jim Balsillie: And I don't know why I thought naming something "Playbook" was a good idea. This isn't football, this isn't Playboy-- what was I thinking?? Sure, tablets are the way of the future, but this is almost as bad as the tablet Moses dropped at Mount Sinai.

Gary Bettman: Is that really true??

JB: The point is that....this could be it for us, this could be the end. I know you're happy with it.

GB: Happy?? What you're out of money?? Look, Jim, we here at the NHL hold the position that even broke or crooked, you too can have a NHL franchise at your disposal. You could even hold them.

JB: (Lifting his head in shock) Are you okay?? Do you understand what you're saying, more over-- do you understand what I'm saying??

GB: Sure, you've done stuff like move teams you didn't actually own and curse on live TV when possibly drunk...but at least you're real. I'm not sure this Matthew Hulsizer is real because he's screwed me twice.

JB: It does sound like a made up name.

GB: Sure, I can understand not being able to want to keep the Coyotes or be associated with them-- but the Blues?? Come on, that's the Wal-Mart guy's old team, so you know you're getting a nice rollback in prices.

JB: Good one, but the point is this: How are other teams getting sold and moved so quickly and yet the Coyotes are still in the limbo for the past 10 years of their existence. Why do you hold onto them so much??

GB: Look, I may have sunk some money into this project and I may have bet someone in 1996 I could make this work. The limit is 20 years and you know....almost there. Almost ready to collect on that bet and I can't let myself fail in this.

JB: All this for a bet?? It better be worth it.

GB: I think it's $20 and a dinner.

JB: Twenty dollars?? Losing millions and millions for $20 doesn't seem very fiscal....

GB: But we moved the Thrashers to Winnipeg, so that buys me at least another year for that honeymoon to stay. Plus, those bastards have screwed me. Luckily, someone wanted Dallas and now-- now it's a matter of getting St. Louis and Phoenix onward and upward for another turn.

JB: It's scary that you won't let me in, but keep allowing this Hulsizer to be in the fold. We've got the same money, he's got much less moxie, what the hell is the matter with me??

GB: The puns.

JB: The puns??

GB: Think of what the NHL.com writers will say on the headlines when it got done. I mean, it'd go something like "Hulsizer Me!!: Phoenix Sold." Where as you-- we'll get "Balsille Goose: NHL Finally Gives In" or "RIM-Job: NHL Bends Over." See the spot I'm in??

JB: So, rather than actually sell a team to a guy who has a decent track record, funding, and a known presence in the business world and will actually put himself out there-- you'd rather have the unknown guy who can't follow-through on anything he promises and misses deadlines....all because the headline-puns would be better??

GB: Now you get it!!

(Doorbell rings, knock on the door)

GB: Oh hell no.

JB: No, you have to do it.

GB: No, I won't-- we all know what happens, we all know how this turns out, this is pee-wee bullsh-

JB: SHUT it and open the door-- it's what everyone want to see and you know it.

GB: (Thinking.....)Okay...I'll open it, but I'll get the upper hand. (Opens door) G-BOMBED!!!! SEE I GOT YOU THIS TIME!!!

Delivery Guy: ....the hell is wrong with you?? Package for G. Bettman for a M. Hulsizer. Sign here.

GB: Sorry, I just....every time there's a door....a guy happens to be there....and....

DG: Look, I don't care for your whole issue, but better get your slacker buddy on the couch to help you because I ain't leaving the dolly here with you crazy people.

JB: Is that an iPhone?? Why not a Blackberry Curve??

DG: What is this, 2002?? Get with the times, boss.

JB: (Underbreath) jackass.

GB: Come on Jim, help me with this damn thing.

DG: Whatever it is-- it's heavy and solid....unless the premise for this show.

GB: What show??

(Delivery guy rolls his eyes and walks away)

JB: Is this the gold statue of yourself you order for the New York offices??

GB: No, it was back-ordered until June.

JB: Whatever-- I need something for my back, that was a haul.

GB: Fine, I'll open it (Takes out ceremonial scissors to cut the ends and middle)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Busting out of the box) T-BOMBED!!!! (Falls out of the box to tackle Gary)

GB: GAHHHHH!!!

JB: (Walking down the hall) That's what daddy likes.

GB: (From the ground) MY HIP FLEXOR!!!

JB: (From the hallway) What are things Rick DiPietro has said??

Bett and Bals: "Shroud of Mystery"

The past couple of days has brought us the news that the Phoenix Coyotes have had two mystery buyers approached the team about purchasing them away from the NHL. Now, whether or not the team stays in the area remains to be seen; but the bigger question are who are these two anonymous owners?? Have we seen them before at all or are they new guys we've never heard of before?? This episode has Gary Bettman in his condo showing around a perspective owner of the sights and sounds of Glendale. While he looks strikingly familiar to someone Bettman has seen before, but he doesn't pick up on it....

Gary Bettman: And as you see here, just vast amounts of land out there. Sure, it's warm-- but no humidity, so you've got to like that. What do you think about all of that??

Mystery Buyer: It seems like a good place to be, but more importantly-- what's the cell phone and tablet connection like out here??

GB: Interestingly, it's pretty good. There's not much out here to block your service. It's funny-- you look like a guy who used to be all about the phone service....but he didn't have glasses, a big nose, or a mustache. So, what do you think about signing this here Memorendum of Agreement mister.....

MB: Jalsillie-- Bim Jalsillie.

GB: Well, Mr. Jalsillie, I think you'll love it here in Glendale and it should be a great team for you to follow, despite the what has happened this summer and the team not really snatching up much of anyone on the free agent market....even losing their top goalie.

MB: I've noticed that. Now...if I wanted to move the team, perish the thought, how would we go about that??

GB: You've come to something that's been a struggle, but between you, me, and this condo-- it won't be that hard, Mr. Jalsillie. The fact is I only stopped a seller from moving because-- well, I didn't like him that much and tried to convince him this area needed this team. It's just to bust his balls.

MB: I see-- well, where should I sign right here?? (As he bends down to sign the MoA, his Groucho Marx glasses fall off and Bettman realizes who it is.)

GB: You dropped your-- oh GODDAMMIT!! How could you have done this to me, Jim?? I trusted this Mr. Jalsillie and now you have to throw me this curve that it was actually you??

Jim Balsillie: Seriously?? I just switched the first letters of my name and you couldn't pick up on it?? I'm in a Blackberry t-shirt for the love of god....

GB: Honestly, I didn't know it was you. I wouldn't have know if these glasses didn't fall out. I shared everything with Mr. Jalsillie....

JB: I know you did and there's not enough mind bleach in the world to take that away from my memory. But it just goes to show that you and I can co-exist, Gary.

GB: But like I said to Mr. Jalsillie...

JB: Stop that...

GB: ....this is a team that doesn't need to stay in the area, but I want it to. You know there's not much else in this area-- why would you want to take this team from the area when there's so much this team could be??

JB: Didn't you say this team didn't do much in the off-season?? Didn't you say this team doesn't need to be here?? The fact of the matter is that with everything all done and people locked up for the season; why would there be a big buzz for this team in this area?? They had gone from a great story the past couple of years to possible craptasticness this season. The fact this team has had so much turmoil anyway-- players would be gunshy to sign here long-term anyway.

GB: Please don't make me go to Canada again right now-- I'm still not over Winnipeg.

JB: That's just it though-- the passion is there in Canada and you know the revenue stream will be good to go up there; which is good for business and is good for the economy.

GB: You don't hear the people trying to fire you....

JB: Until you see the stocks plummeting and realize your network is used to help communicate rioting.

GB: Topical. Yet, there's not many places up in Canada who have buildings ready and there's already a couple places that are in the battle with their local governments in order to get their new arena built up there and if you get this team and you have to battle the government; then not get it after all-- why would I want to sell a team to you OR ANYONE who doesn't have someone structured and ready to go right now??

JB: Fair enough, but with me-- I can build the arena out of unused Blackberry Playbooks. And at this point, if you're selling to someone that doesn't have some contingency plan; that's your own fault for selling to them and their own fault for wanting out and then not getting a place in the midst of it all.

GB: I just don't get why people aren't seeing how well this community can thrive when this team is winning.

JB: Any community can thrive with a winning team, but at the same time; who's going to want to come here to actually work out for the team and not use this as a country club?? Sure, Dave Tippett has been very well about getting these guys to focus; though I'm sure with not much star power around-- it could turn into the issues like it was before.

GB: Though, at the same time-- you can't get a lot of guys if you're going to be moving to a place they won't want to be moving to. You're going to have issues attracting talent either way, but it's much easier to sell a city you're already at then in a destination you're going.

JB: But the arena is in the middle of nowhere and even winning, it's hard to get a lot of people out there until the troops are rallied and the threat of a move is in the conversation.

GB: I get that, but the thing is that you get the people in to make this work and the people will show up regardless, so long as their winning.

JB: I don't think it works like that.

GB: Maybe not, but now that you duped me; I have to worry that this next mystery buyer isn't going to do the same thing. (Doorbell rings) See here he is now.

JB: Really?? You brought him all the way overhere, even when I'm here??

GB: You're not getting the team, what's the worst that could happen??

(Opens Door)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!

GB: WHATTHEWHOTHEBAAAHHHHH!!! (Falls over coat-rack)

JB: Tell me you didn't see that coming. Hey, how are you going to buy the team anyway??

JRTB: T-BONDS!!!

JB: Hilarious.

Bett and Bals: "As Atlanta Burns"

With all the fun stuff going on in Phoenix and things wrapping up in Buffalo, many people forgot Atlanta and their ownership woes. Luckily, the Thrashers made news once again with an owner saying that if things can't get better-- relocation is a possibility with a new owner....yet one not in the equation is Jim Balsillie....until now.

(We start off with Jim Balsillie in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal, as he hears Gary coming through the kitchen entrance in a huff)

Gary Bettman: How in the hell is this going to work?? We have some issues with Phoenix still not getting ready to get sold, now Atlanta is talking about their issues?? Luckily, we have Buffalo being sold.....AGAIN, but at least this guy is a legit money-maker and just loves giving money out to hockey teams and to start hockey teams.

Jim Balsillie: I have that kind of power and I don't get a look. Granted, Buffalo is like Hamilton with better wings-- but still.

GB: That's just it though-- he didn't threaten to relocate them to some crazy city. But still-- the Sabres are good. Why can't the Thrashers work?? They've got a solid team, they've got a solid arena-- why can't they draw anything from that??

JB: They say if you don't follow history, you're bound to repeat it. I know the NHL doesn't like to look too much into the past unless they can make a buck off it merchandise wise-- but there's a reason the Flames didn't work in Atlanta. They couldn't make the ends meet and it seems to be going the same way with the Thrashers....but the Thrashers had more staying power.

GB: How is this possible though?? It seemed that they had enough owners to cover their costs-- why are they now say that all this stuff is too rough to cover and what-not??

JB: That's just it-- they have nine owners.....but it's spread out over three cities and one guy wanted to overthrow the entire group. It's bedlam and it's very rare that multi-person ownership groups do well, sans Edmonton where everyone in the city was pretty much an owner. The question is now-- what's next; I mean.....I'm still around.

GB: Sadly, I know that. But luckily I got a text saying Stephen Rollins is interested-- you may remember him from playing with the every popular New Jersey Rockin' Rollers franchise....

JB: Who?? What?? Another guy from the film game in the fold, though?? That's worked so well with Bruce McNall and Jerry Bruckheimer, hasn't it?? Sure, the native thing works-- but at what point will that not be enough to keep the team there. You could have Lil' Jon buy the team, but even though he has connections to the area and the game-- if he can't make money off of it; you're right back to where you started.

GB: This was supposed to work-- I mean, Tampa seemed to right themselves.....Dallas is selling, the Panthers are still in Miami-- why can't this all work out. Why has Carolina been the only team not to have an ownership issue since moving to these "non-traditional" markets?? I think the only thing good is that we have people interested out there....even if they aren't know for their fantastic work.

JB: And lost in all of this-- me. A lot of money, a love for the game-- why not give someone like me or even relocation a chance?? It's not like it's a bad idea, plus it would probably go to a hockey market to actually get more money into your wallet-- which is good for the business. What's with the gunshy reaction??

GB: It's a bigger level than just us, Jimbo.

JB: Don't call me that.

GB: It has to do with everyone involved. I mean, if the Thrashers go-- do the people have to foot the bill for an empty arena?? Will the Hawks be the next to go?? Why should we take entertainment away from the people who actually go to the event?? That's why we have revenue sharing, so teams like this can thrive and all that fun stuff.

JB: Even so, some owners are going to be ticked off with others who aren't making money-- and with the CBA coming up; you may need some solidarity going against Donald Fehr's NHLPA rather than in-fighting about some other owners not picking up their own weight.

GB: We're going to be stronger than ever. We're making a lot of money. Our gimmicks are getting more and more attention, our sponsorships are up by far-- to think we won't be united going into the CBA is ludicrous.

JB: (Phone rings) Interesting-- but that's not ludicrous-- this is Ludacris

GB: How do you know him?? What's going on with that??

JB: It's something you don't need to be so curious about, but he's an Atlanta guy....should I ask him??

GB: OH MY....YES!! Why do you even have to ask that??

JB: Okay. Hey Chris-- yeah-- oh you're outside?? Yeah he wants to talk about it. It's crazy. Sure, I'll get him to go to the door and you two can chat. Yeah-- see you in a second.

GB: Excellent!! See, I do need you, but don't really need you. (Rushes to the door and opens it)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMB!!!!

GB: Sweetsassychrist!! (falls over)

JB: Wow....what'chu got in that bag, Red??

JRTB: TEA BAGS!!!

JB: And that's how the gimmick works.

"Bett and Bals": When a Sale Isn't a Sale

With all the speculation that has come out about what's going to happen with teams like the Maple Leafs, Sabres, and now the impending sale of the Coyotes and recently the Atlanta Thrashers looking for investors-- the Board of Governors' meeting this week is bound with questions when it comes to ownership. Sadly, the man who seems to be left out in the cold is Jim Balsillie, who may or may not be sneaking around these meetings.

We see the outside of the resort that the meetings are being held, Gary Bettman steps out after a session and takes in the humid air.

Gary Bettman: Ahh...another day, another defused situation when it comes to ownership. And what a view, no one around except us board members. (Turns to see a man sneaking around the corner) Is that.....no.....wait-- Jim?!? JIM?!?

Jim Balsillie (disgused as a caddy): I'm sorry, but I don't know you're talking about. I'm Bim Jalsillie.....a local caddy.

GB: .....Jim??

JB: Bim....it's Bim...always has been.

GB: Jim.

JB: FINE-- look, there's teams for sale and I don't know why I'm getting shut out. I'm primed to bring a new vision to any team that needs it.

GB: What's that vision-- beavers and maple syrup??

JB: You kinky bastard!! But yes, we need to get into these place like Winnipeg and Quebec.....or even Hamilton, especially after Rogers buys them. They love my Blackberry and probably wouldn't want to have their costumers disrupted during their everyday life.....

GB: Keep dreaming, Jim. Everything is fine with us-- Phoenix has that Matt Hulsizer, who loves the idea of losing money-- thus, my new best friend. We've got people wanting into Buffalo, and maybe some Atlanta people would get there.

JB: Why am I shut out?? Why are these guys getting the welcome and I'm getting the cold shoulder?? Sure, I started to sell tickets to a team that I didn't own and a building I didn't have rights to; but can't we let bygones be bygones??

GB: I think the example there was the reason we won't let you in. It's an elite group with people like Hulsizer who will play the game. We've got guys like Terry Pegula who will drop all kinds of dough on a Division I hockey team and still have some change to buy the Sabres and actually keep them there. It's not so much that we don't want you in the fraternity, it's that we don't want you to steal from others in the fraternity.

JB: Aren't you all in the business of making money?? I can do that-- and yes, it could require a move, but if I make money, the league makes money, the teams can get some money, the players get money.....everyone wins, I think. Even if I keep the team there, don't you think I'll build up the team up to get people into the building so I don't lose my invested money?? I won't "Major League" it and tank just to move-- I want to win and if people don't come out for a winning team, I'd take them to a place where they will make money and win.

GB: We like money....but we also like people who play the company line. We want to like you Jim, but the rebel thing.....I don't know. It's too new and we're scared. Why do you think we keep harping on the same rivalries like the Caps and Pens, plus keeping the Red Wings winning thanks to the wheel on their jersey spinning and hypnotizing the other team so they can win.

JB: Wait, what??

GB: Huh??

JB: You said.....

GB: Anyway-- look, we want your money, but don't want you to revolutionize the way owners run their teams. We're kind of scared you're going to do something that's going to rock the boat and make your team love you, but the rest of the league hate you. You see-- fans will see what you're doing and want their owner to do the same....and just rock the boat. We like the way we do it now and we don't like change-- it scares us.

JB: So, what you're saying is that while there's plenty of teams for the taking and I have the money to do it....

GB: We don't want you to buy them because you could do something to make people like you and thus ruining the rest of us.

JB: I don't know if that's the best way to run a business.

GB: Well, just look at me.

JB: Fair enough. Well, I was going to meet with Tom Golisano about the Sabres, but I guess I'll just be out of here. You think you could go to my clubs by the corner over there, it was for my get-up. I'll go tell Tommy it's not happening.

GB: I'm glad you could come to your senses, Jim-- and it's not that you're a bad guy, but (struggles to lift the bag) but, you're (still struggling), what the hell is....

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!

GB: AHHHHHH!!! (drops bag, runs into wall)

JB: I don't know how you fit in there. Get the car, I'm going to talk to Atlanta.

"Bett and Bals": C-Bust??

Thankfully for the Blue Jackets, this knocks out two gimmicks for the week. This time, it's the "Bett and Bals." As you may or may not have heard, the Columbus Blue Jackets are down just about 25% in their season tickets sold so far, with about a month until the season starts. Of course, this will raise the question of relocation, contraction, and of course why expanded to that market. Luckily, we'll have fake figureheads to actually explain it and go on from there. Enjoy....or not.

We start with Gary storming in the door in a huff, tripping over the steps and flying into the arm rest of the couch where Jim is sitting

Jim Balsillie: (Looking over to Bettman) Something wrong, Gary??

Gary Bettman: Ouch.....no, just my world coming down on top of me. Not only do the Coyotes have a deadline coming up, now.....now....the Jackets are looking to be ruined.

JB: Just take it to Leo the dry cleaner; he'll be able to stitch up and clean anything.

GB: Not that, stupid. Did you hear about the Blue Jackets?? People don't want to see them. Columbus is the capital of the damn city, you'd think they'd have people flocking there to see them and take into the pride. It's a city of insurance.

JB: Well, there's never any insurance when it comes to a sports team.

GB: Punny, but get serious. It's enough problems that I have the Coyotes' heat on me, now this?? What's going on?? What the hell happened to all of this. It seems that I have one good team and one bad team-- I mean the Avalanche moved from Canada and are good, the Wild are doing fantastic-- what the hell is going on with this?? They need to get on the same page.

JB: It may be the capital, but it's also a college town. You think college kids (a) have the money to actually plunk down the cash for season tickets and (2) care about hockey when there's Buckeyes sports around?? The theory is great that you think there's a market already instilled there, but when you don't win-- these things seem to fall apart in your hand.

GB: Tell me more, Captain Obvious. Listen, you think I don't know this, but the thing of it all is that hockey there does have some kind of heat; what the hell is wrong with the whole ordeal that this team, who has some decent young stars, aren't able to get more butts in the seats?? Sure, winning is one thing, but when you don't seem to have a solid front office in effect-- what can I do??

JB: You know my Blackberry is always on, you can give me a buzz. Columbus is close enough to Canada for me to annex the state to make it part of Southern Ontario.

GB: You can't actually do that, can you??

JB: The more you don't know.....but anyway-- sure, the youth movement is nice; but how is this team marketable?? This team does have Rick Nash and Steve Mason amongst others, yet they don't actually get any air time for other areas to actually know about them. Therefore, the appeal of the isn't going to be the hottest, especially to the home audience. They may see them on TV and get them excited, which leads them get him out to the area. Part of that has to be onto you for not actually giving them any air time.

GB: It's a vicious cycle for TV. We have to get ratings, so you put the teams out there people will recognize and that people will have an interest in because they have fans spread across the nation like that. That leaves the teams that need the exposure out because they aren't the "sexy" thing for TV. Yet, they're the teams that need the exposure, but the network isn't going to buy it because their numbers go down and then we'll get crap for it. We can't win, one way or another.

JB: It's quite the dilemma, but sometimes you actually need to take a stand. You either have to stand up for your league and your team-- maybe build up a following for teams by putting the "unsexy" teams on TV. If not, you may need to contract in order to limit this situations happening, but I know you'd lose money there, too. I don't envy you in this-- but like I said; you know where to get me.

GB: Unfortunately. Oh man, I need a drink; anything in the fridge??

JB: Yeah, I just put something cold in there.

GB: Good, I could use it. (Walks to the fridge) You know, I'll be glad when this is over and I can get back to the easy stuff....like the CBA. Maybe start a new NHL clothing brand, "No Fehr" and sit back to hear the laughs.

JB: Yeah-- really good and something you want to make in order to have a partnership.

GB: Hey, I didn't say it was golden, just throwing ideas out there. Alright, what's in here?? (Opens fridge door)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!

GB: SWEET SASSY MOLASSY!!!

JB + JRTB: Huh?!?

GB: I mean......

JB: Just fade out....

"Bett and Bals": Living on the Ice Edge

Just when you though the story out of the Glendale, Arizona was going to resolved with Ice Edge Holdings being the knight in shining armor for the Coyotes....this happens. That's right, according to the Arizona Republic, the deal between the Coyotes and Ice Edge could be in trouble. The issue comes with the point that IEH has not submitted the required paperwork, five weeks past the first deadline and rapidly approaching the August 6th deadline for dealing with the arena leasing issues. Despite the claims, both IEH and the NHL say that the deal is going along just fine. Hmmm....even so, what better way to add to the gimmick of the Bett and Bals than with this.

Gary Bettman is in this scene pacing through the room, frantically trying to get some answers on the phone, while Jim Balsillie is chilling on the couch with the remote.

Gary Bettman: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE OUT OF MONEY?!? Well, get them to get some more. What do you mean it's not that easy?? Legalities, what does that mean?? Look, I don't care how they do it-- I want this problem to go away and I don't care how they do it. (hangs up phone)

Jim Balsillie: Problems again with the Coyotes, Gary??

GB: What?? No, not at all. I was just on the phone with Bill Daly and trying to get him to recharge his Dave & Buster's game card. The Coyotes are just fine, thanks.

JB: That's not what this paper says-- it says that they passed the deadline in the Glendale exclusivity race and could be running out of cash.

GB: First off, who buys a paper anymore; especially you Blackberry boy?? Second, that can't be the case. We had them all ready to go, all ready to buy the team, the arena-- the city, I think was in that deal, too. What did they do with all that money-- party too hard?? This can't be.

JB: You know, had you let this go through last year and let the team be sold to me, we wouldn't be in this mess. You know that this will interfere with the whole Kovalchuk issue, which should be your crowning achievement this season; actually standing up for yourself. Now, they're screwing the pooch.

GB: No, no, no, no-- they're still good, just a little hiccup. You see, they have to be the best-- we told Jerry Reinsdorf he wasn't needed as a name anymore and he could go enjoy the White Sox. No way we can get him back with the Sox in the AL Central race now. This mess can't happen-- we had the Coyotes Summer last year, it was the Kovalf*ck summer this year-- we mapped it all out.

JB: Look, this could be an oversight-- maybe they overdrew just a bit and couldn't come up with some handling fees. Oh, wait-- they've had months to get their stuff in order. What is it with finding the right partner with this Gary. But, it could be a blessing in disguise; if you didn't know about this-- then you could be in the same situation in a year or two.

GB: Sure, rub that in-- but that's the CBA summer in two years, sir; it's all planned out. Plus, who knows if what the City of Glendale is pumping out is true or not. They're a city who is definitely an antagonist in this process. They want the lease to their liking, the owners to their liking-- if we went extreme; it'd be the pen and paper to their liking, too. They'll do anything to keep their name out there and to keep their city out there for people to see who's really in control. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

JB: But you talk about teams signing long-term, outrageous deals with players; why not deal with the leasing that way?? Sure, it's not the same thing as trying to get away with cap fraud, but it would definitely prevent this sort of silliness in dealing with 30 year leases for already financially strapped teams. Plus, the city is way out in the sticks; how do they believe that this will help people show up.

GB: Well, if you build it they will come. And you know-- the owners and building know what they're doing. I mean, they had to get the lease for that long because of the other teams out there looking to use that building for stuff.

JB: Name two.

GB:.......that's not important right now. What is important is to calm this all over. This is still a good deal that will be going through. They'll find the money, even if they have to scrap through the sofa to get it. If not, my name isn't Casey McCall.

JB: That's not your name, that's the name of a fictional character from the TV show "Sports Night." The fact of the matter is that, sure, the city would have an arena but no tenant if I were to have bought them-- but it seems to be doing pretty well for Kansas City. They have a big, fancy arena-- but no one there to play, aside from the occasional concert or circus. And they aren't talking too much about a team.

GB: Right now they aren't, but just wait until they realize their not an island and have to change the name all around when they move there.

JB: Huh??

GB: What??

JB: Does that mean there's no light at the house??

GB: No matter, the point in all of his is that we'd be bizonkers if we though Ice Edge was going to run out of money. Sure, it's good to know now rather than actually finding out later, but we have all the faith they'll turn it around. They'll find a way to get the money, they'll come through with this alledged missing paper work that's not on file. It's just a chance for Glendale to get their name and the Coyotes name back in the fold and make things work out for their benefit and to put themselves over. The Ice Edge folks aren't the kind of guys who would lead us on to let us down-- they aren't Lou Lamoriello.

JB: Ouch-- big shot there. Speaking of which-- I looked into an arbitrator for you and he's going to come over soon. I think you'll like him because he'll definitely be on your side and not against you at all. (Doorbell rings) There he is right now.

GB: Wow, just when I think you're a guy who I may loathe, you do something redeem yourself. You're not as harsh as you look and I think that I'll talk to the Board about you. (Opens door)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!

GB: (falling backward) You sonuva....ahhhh

JB: And that's how you keep a running gag going, though we all saw it coming.

"Bett and Bals": Jerry Canned

Just when you thought things were better for the Coyotes.....ESPN is now reporting that the deal with the City of Glendale and NHL's poster child for ownership, Jerry Reinsdorf, is dead. The city has reached out again to the Ice Edge Holdings group and maybe could get them back on board, even after they outright rejected the IEH proposal.

This episode, we see Jim Balsillie sitting on the couch watching the TV. Gary Bettman comes walking in.

Gary Bettman: (Muttering under his breath) Why are they doing this to me now?? I was going to get over it and be rid of this financial burden....

Jim Balsillie: Anything wrong, Gary?? It seems like (snickering) you've misplaced something.

GB: Oh, guffaw, guffaw-- I get it-- relocation in a non-traditonal market which turns out to be a money-sucking venture.

JB: The joke doesn't work if you have to explain it.

GB: Whatever-- I have my own issues. What does it take to actually get rid of this team?? I thought I had it. He was unsuspecting and willing to take it over for me and get the pressure and heat off of me. It's like he actually did research and realized this deal probably wouldn't do well for him, especially with the lease and having to wait five-years to try to sell the bloody team.

JB: Were you really expecting this whole thing to go down with Reinsdorf?? I mean, from the on-set of this thing, he really hasn't said much about anything in regards to this whole issue. It's like he didn't even know much about-- he just threw his hat into the ring. Or at least, someone did on his behalf. I don't even think he knew there was hockey in Chicago, much less Arizona. I think you could have been the only one to think it would all work out.

GB: He's got the MLB team, the NBA team-- why not go lower in the ranking and hit up a NHL team. It's affordable and it's something that'll help out his taxes and what not. Plus, he didn't have to do much-- just keep the people around that helped them to a playoff berth and move on. Not much to do, just pay some bills.

JB: But Gary, have you seen the bills?? They are piling up at a massive rate and really are never-ending. The Coyotes are like the Greece of the NHL. (Editor's Note: This gag was topical in early May 2010 when the Greek economy went to crap. Look it up if you don't get it.)

GB: Yes, but with a little help, they could have been revived in less time. Sure, the bills are piling up, sure the city is footing the bill for most the stuff, sure the taxes are getting crazed, sure the team can't turn a profit....wait, where was I going with this??

JB: You weren't. The fact is that you can't keep a team in an area where the responsiveness of the "fans" is depended upon the threat of losing the team. It seems that the only time people come out for the team is when they think they're going to lose them. Even when they were winning, it took them a while to get to the rink.

GB: Maybe so, but they made the playoffs, they had a great season, they have a lot of award finalist, they have a great looking future...

JB: That could be blown up this summer. They have seven UFAs and five RFAs who had an everyday role on the team. With the insecure nature of the team-- are you willing to spend the money in order to get the re-signed, especially since you control the team?? Don't you think the other owners would be a bit upset about it if you did?? Plus, with all the other FAs out there, wouldn't you want this team to build off their success and add more to their team??

GB: You mean....I'd have to take care of all of that?? Not that I'm stressed enough or anything, now I have to deal with that. All because this guy couldn't take over the team?? All because the City of Glendale wouldn't go with the best idea in the Ice Edge Holdings in the first place??

JB: And all because you didn't want to tease the idea of selling it to me on threat of me moving the team. Let's face it-- your ego can't take a hit of relocating a previously relocated team. You don't want to be proven wrong for decisions that weren't that keen to begin with. Sure, we all can regret some things, but most of us have the ability to actually move forward after admitted some wrong doing. You take your lumps and bounce back.

GB: That's just it though. I can take the lumps-- look at the work stoppage. The fact is that even if I do sell and move this team, who's to say the place it will moved to will be any more viable than another. The harsh reality of it is that if we have to sell it, that has to be approved by everyone. If they want to move, it again has to be approved. Who's to say that where the new owner would want to move the team would work out monetarily for the league and the other owners?? The thought of moving a team in trouble is great in theory. It's when it's put into actual motion and trying to get everyone on board that is the issue. It's nothing personal-- always business.

(Phone rings)

JB: I'll get it. James and Gar-- your helpful hardware, folks.

GB: Funny.

JB: (To Gary) Would you shut up?? (Phone) Yes?? Oh really?? So, you do want back into the mix Mr. Reinsdorf?? You made a horrible mistake?? Sure, I'll put him on. (To Gary) It's for you-- it looks like you got your wish.

GB: (Jumping up and down) FINALLY!! FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD!! JERRY?? JERRY??

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Over the phone) T-BOMBED!!!!!!!!

GB: OWWWWWW (Grabbing his ear and falling over) My ear, my ear.....I....I think it's bleeding.

JB: Much like the Coyotes bleeding money from Glendale...

"Bett and Bals" : White and Wrong

There's a lot of excitement in Phoenix these days-- what with them winning their first playoff game in years, getting people out into the Jobing.com Arena, there's throwing snakes-- what's not to like. Well, the litigation that's going on off the ice, but still. What could go wrong??

Gary Bettman: (watching his TiVo) Back to the point...shot-- GOAL!!! OH DEREK MORRIS YOU SEXY BASTARD!! Let's look at it again....win the draw...back...

Jim Balsillie: You really enjoy rubbing that in my face don't you??

GB: It's a great time, Ballsy. People are wearing snakes, throwing white...

JB: What?? Wearing snakes??

GB: Well, whatever. The white-out was a success, we got people on the internets talking and making headlines that way. All because of this winning excitement, the people have forgotten this is a team that was in peril at the beginning of the year. Think if they would have moved to where you wanted them to-- this wouldn't even be a story.

JB: Fair enough, but they would have gotten this press year 'round in Canada-- just sayin'. Plus, it's not like this team is out of the woods yet. Thanks to your plan-- the actual solid buyer who would have helped this team, Ice Edge, were rejected by the city and your golden boy, Jerry Reinsdorf got the bid approval.

GB: See?? The system works for the best. Look, we've been after Jerry the entire time because he's a big time name and we need someone like that as an owner.

JB: Does he even know he's in on this bid?? I mean, has he even given a comment about his excitement on winning?? I mean, you want a big name-- what am I?? I've single-handedly got people to talk about me every time a team is in peril. Who cares if it's not nationally known, but in hockey circles, I'm kind of a big deal.

GB: Only a big deal because of the fact you moved a team and sold tickets to said moved team before you even signed any intent to buy the team. Sure, you're a big deal-- but in the bad way, my friend. Jerry's got this under lock. He knows what's going on and he's ready to go ahead with keeping the team there.

JB: So long as they turn a profit, right?? Did you read about how they have the right to sell the team if they can't pull in a profit for five years, right?? Plus, he's not risking much, if anything in this. It seems to be all on the city to pay you guys if anything goes awry. And the minimum of $103M?? Come on, that's $109.5M LESS than what I was going to bid. How is that good business for the league or this team?!?

GB: First, he's paying $165M. While it's less, he's not going to get up and move the team. Sure, he can try and sell the team after giving 180 days notice, but look at this team-- they're going good and I think they'll have a solid team for years to come. It's good business, even if we have to risk a lot to make it happen.

JB: How are we going to say this team will be successful?? Look at the Hurricanes-- they did well last year and tanked this year. One series and hype doesn't make a team successful. People like winners and if this team isn't competitive every year, there's going to be issues. People love gimmicks and these White-outs and "Throw the Snake" gets people interested. What happens when that goes away?? At what point do people stop pulling for a sweetheart, especially when they play their team in the playoffs?? I'm not saying this all won't help, but at the same-- you have to be sustain these gimmicks. With it being very out of the way-- I don't know how you'll get people excited for the season when nothing much is on the line. We saw that down the stretch.

GB: The people came out-- not by much more, but they did. I think we're going to be fine with Reinsdorf. And the city could find someone should he go ahead and want to sell the team. They were able to get this whole thing sorted out, right??

JB: That's just it. Reinsdorf is just a figure head. He doesn't have to do the foot-soldiering when he wants to get rid of the team. You just have to look at it like that-- you're going to look like the fool if this all blows up in your face. The City only cares about getting their money for the arena and if they got that-- the probably could care less about the team. Especially if they rename the team, like they're thinking.

GB: What's in a name, though?? Things will be fine, I'll be fine in all of this. Reinsdorf won't move the team or try to sell the team unless I tell him to. He listened to me when I asked to use his name-- now we've got people really into it running things. We should be good to go. I know we're going to be fine in Arizona, I'll give you my word.

(Buzzer rings)

GB: Oooooh no, I'm not falling for this again. You get it, I'm tired of being the butt of these jokes.

JB: Ooookay, don't know what you mean. (Opens door cautiously) Oh, hi Mrs. Baum, how are you?? Oh, you made cookies??

GB: (Jumps out of his chair and runs to the door) COOKIES?!?! I LOVE COOKIES!!

(Jim opens the doors as Gary is running to Mrs. Baum....but as he get to her...)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Pops from the side of the doorway) T-BOMBED!!!!

GB: GAH!!!!! (Gets scared and faints)

JB: Good work team. Are those chocolate chips??

"Bett and Bals" : Moyes Money, Moyes Money, Moyes Money

This drama with the Coyotes doesn't seem to be ending. This time, the NHL is suing former owner Jerry Moyes for a breach of contract for the way he went about going into bankruptcy and trying to sell the Coyotes. There's a lot of money involved in the suit against Moyes, including the fees for the NHL's legal team, the operating losses for this year, as well as paying Wayne Gretzky. Considering both Gary Bettman and Jim Balsillie were involved, it seems like perfect timing to bring back this whole gem. Enjoy....or not.

We'll see scene with Balsillie sitting on the couch, feet up on the table as Bettman is frantically running between the kitchen and living room on his cell phone to his legal team.

Gary Bettman: Okay, so we've got the operating losses covered, Gretzky covered...is there anyway we can sue him to pay the Brooklyn Brawler for the Jobing.com naming rights?? Well, I don't know if he was directly involved, but I don't think Barry Horowitz was in mind when they had it all going for them. Just look into it and get back to me-- we're going to get him where he's hurting...literally. Bye.

Jim Balsillie: The funny thing about this is you think that he has the money for this whole fiasco, Gar. There's a reason he was filing for bankruptcy, you know that right??

GB: What are you trying to say?? He broke the contract and went against the way we do business and now we're going to show him the NHL means business.

JB: Do business how?? Find any kind of jobber to run a team and then pass the buck when they fail?? I can't see to see what happens when this jabroni in Tampa realizes he doesn't have much going for him down there and wants to ditch them off again. That's what's going to happen, you and I both know this.

GB: You don't know that, because if knew things like you thought you did-- you'd be owning a team in some suburb of Toronto right now, right?? Listen, when you own a team, you have a certain responsibility to keep your nose clean.

JB: Like Bruce McNall and Boots Del Biaggio did for their teams??

GB: Hey now-- we knew what they were doing and....

JB: And still let Del Biaggio back into the league. It's a craptastic way to do business.

GB: But for every one of those guys, we have 20 or more guys who aren't under indictment. Plus, our owners are honest people when it comes to their dealings-- they'll never curtail the rules when it comes to our league.

JB: Hmmm, like Jeremy Jacobs signing Joe Thornton to a huge rookie deal and Craig Leipold selling his team to who YOU wanted to if he was able to become the owner of the Minnesota Wild??

GB: Exactly. Wait...

JB: The fact remains, this situation wouldn't be an issue if you let him sell the team to me. He would have gotten the money he lost, everyone would have been paid, YOU would have had those legal fees to pay off, and we'd be getting on with like.

GB: Maybe so, but the fact remains that people aren't fans of you and your rebel ways, Jim. Come on, you know you don't have the BoG's ear. Who's to say it'd be over for you, him, or us had we let this go through. I know I'm 90% sure we would be tied up in court together and probably be splitting hotel costs in order to save some cash. It's not like selling the team to you would be a magical fix as you thought it would be.

JB: Sure, the City of Glendale would have been on our asses, but that's why we put in conditions in the sale about if we don't reach expectations, we have the ability to pull the team out of their current home and go somewhere that they are wanted and will bring in profit. I know me getting the team wouldn't be the cure to the headache, but when you work WITH ME rather than against me; we'd be in a better place-- that much I'm sure.

GB: Why work with you when no one wanted you. You're 0-for-3 in teams, two of your own short-sightedness and jumping the gun on many things, while the other we kind of blocked you from. You did have the BoG's ear, then you tried selling season tickets to a non-existed relocated team. Working with you hasn't done the trick, so why should we trust working with you now.

JB: You work with me because if you actually want money to be spend by someone other than the league and not have GMs up in arms about your trade deadline movement, regardless of how small it really was, then you'll look for someone willing to deal with the albatross that is this team. You put conditions in the sale in terms of relocating the team, I would have been able to work within that and then it's up to everyone involved to market this team and make them a success so we wouldn't have to worry about the conditions.

GB: Maybe we'll be do business in the future, but I don't know if we can trust what you say. You can say one thing and do another-- we've known that for a while now. We'll see what happens with Florida, maybe you could do something in Miami or Atlanta or another one of these great Sunbelt teams. I mean, you could make them work there and actually make me look like a genius.

JB: (under breath) I'll get right on that....

GB: Now, I've had too much water and excitement and now I have to piss. (Walks to the bathroom, hears water running) Dammit, Jim-- you can't have the fountain going when you're not in here. What are we, made of money?? I'm suing a bankrupt guy, so that shows you how much I had. Wait-- the showers on...you're here, I'm here....(pulls back shower curtain)...

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!

GB: OHJEEBUS!! (Falls into hallway)

JB: Who didn't see that one coming, really?? You'd think by now, you'd put two and two together.

GB: I come up with Maui for expansion....is that the answer??

JB: Good sweet Lord.....

"Bett and Bals": Tampa Turmoil

Just when you think it's all over, something else pops up. To thank for that, we have CBC's Elliotte Friedman for revealing more issues in Tampa Bay than meets the eye. While the issues with OK Hockey have always been present, the fact the old owner doesn't want them; shows how much of an issue Tampa could become.

We set the scene with Gary frantically on the phone, pacing in front of the TV of the living room, as Jim sits on the couch, bobbing and weaving trying to see the TV.

Gary Bettman: But look, Mrs. Davidson, they won a championship under your husband's reign. Wouldn't you love to have that team back-- to remember the good times of his legacy?? Sure, Oren and Len kind of made a mess of it.....but....no, they aren't going to acquire Nathan Horton and have a "Seen Stamkos/Horton Hears A Who??" slogan-off.

Jim Balsillie: Slogan-off?? I'm starving!! Gary, we have any beef slogan-off in the kitchen??

GB: (covering the phone) That's beef stroganoff and I said no before. (back to the phone) Mrs. Davidson, I'll make sure it's taken care of before the 15th. Trust me, have I ever swayed anyone wrong before??

(Jim stares daggers at Gary and gives him the stink-eye)

GB: (avoiding eye-contact with Jim) I'll be back with you. Good bye. (hangs up, falls back onto the couch) MY GOD!! What was I thinking when I put those two guys in charge. You'd think with all those awful "Saw" movies and "Two and a Half Men" cash coming in, Koules would have the money to cover this team in everything they needed.

JB: Well, you know Gary-- that deadline is close to Valentine's Day and I'd love nothing more than for you to buy me a hockey team. I'd love you forever.

GB: Ick, that's the last thing I want. Don't worry-- we can make this work in Tampa. They have a Stanley Cup, we can't move a Stanley Cup winner. That'd just.....just be immoral and detrimental to the sport. We can't be a laughingstock in this landscape.

JB: Well, can't be the laughingstock when no one is paying attention, that's for sure. But at what point did you think this would be a good idea to give it to these guys?? I mean, you look at what they had to offer and they were disjointed from the start. It was run worse than any fly-by-night pyramid scheme out there.

GB: Funny enough, they were still better than you in terms of getting the team. In fact, I don't think you made an effort of it all-- right??

JB: Of course not, the Davidson's weren't on my radar. But, you look at the demographic and it's almost like this Phoenix mess. What happens if you own this team, too?? Why not just contract the teams and you'll get down to 28 teams, seven per division, then we bring back divisional playoffs-- as was always intended.

GB: That's just silly, I put a stop to that because it's unnatural. Fact of the matter is that these two teams can be profitable if I can find the right ownership. At least Koules put something out there and tried, but went a bit over the top and really didn't have a grasp about how a team should be run. Hell, you could have run that team better.

JB: Well, why not throw myself in the mix for this one?? This is something where I could just take a bad product, do some slight improvements, still not have the fans come out because it's a bit too hot.....then we move to my backyard and I can wake up to the practice everyday. We all win because not only do I get a team into Canada, but you'll get a stable franchise once all is said and done, as well as one less headache in the mix.

GB: If you're going to make improvements, why not build a fan-base there and try to convince these people that this is their team?? You can grow the brand of the team by that.

JB: Yes, because they really capitalized off the Stanley Cup and the "Seen Stamkos" campaign. Hell, the even brought back Barry Melrose to see if that'd garner some attention-- and it really didn't. Every gimmick didn't work as many would have thought and it's time for a change. You look at the other Florida team-- they're having issues as well, so why would it work for one team and not the other?? Sure, an interstate separates them, but at the same time-- it's virtually the same market demographic and it's probably not going to work in either.

GB: Guh, I don't need to think about Miami right now unless we're going on vacation. But, they're a former Cup winner and do have a loyal fanbase-- it's not like they haven't succeeded on some gimmicks-- remember when they had the big crowds at the Thunderdome??

JB: Don't even get me started on that-- here's a team who has had issue with ownership from day one with Phil Esposito's group. It's a mismanaged group and probably won't get the correct owner for the gig and the publicity they need to thrive in a place like Tampa Bay. Tampa as a whole is really apathetic to sports-- look at when the Buccaneers won the Lombardi Trophy; hardly anyone came out!! They also didn't come out for the Rays when they went to the World Series!! What does that tell you about a city when they won't come out for their championship teams. I think the only reason they came out for the Stanley Cup is because of the cold conditions in the rink, mostly due to Tampa being too hot to be a real city.

GB: I'll give you the point about mismanaged ownership and what-not, but they did come out and that's really what matters in the end for me. As long as people are coming out, they should be able to sustain something of a fan-base to keep the team going on and be loyal enough to fight your attempts to move this team to Chateau Balsillie.

JB: Fine, we'll just have to agree to disagree. (looks at watch) Holy, we're late for dinner reservations. If we don't get there in time, we'll be limited to the salad and breaksticks we get with the meal. Grab my coat, I need to get my wallet.

GB: (gets up, walks to closest) You'll be needing that wallet plus a couple more in order to convince me that you're going to be a contender for this team. (opens closet)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (throws coats at Gary) T-BOMBED!!!

GB: OH SWEET LORD!! (falls backwards)

JB: (walking to Gary on the ground) These running gags are fantastic, aren't they??

"Bett and Bals": French Quarters

I've been pondering what to do next with B&B and thankfully-- news of a Quebec City meeting has come out, as has rumors of the NHL wanting to move Atlanta to QC in the next five years, even if it is a Tweet from a random person. Now, I been pondering what is going to happen if I had $20 million....
(We start out with Balsillie pacing in front of the couch, peeking at the TV waiting for Bettman to come back from wherever he went. Bettman has been gone for a week, never telling Balsillie where he was headed.)

Jim Balsillie: I hope Gary gets back soon. Man, do I have some questions for him.

Gary Bettman: (On phone) Merci, merci, ciao. (Hangs up) Oh, Jim....ummm....hi.

JB: Don't "hi" me, you're killing me here. I've got tons of questions and you bolt on me without telling me what's going on. You don't think I'm not onto you, you don't want me to have this do you??

GB: Look, Jim-- it's just business. But, I think you can ask and I'll be open with you.

JB: Fine-- where's the bottle opener??

GB: What?? Nothing about Quebec City?? Nothing about expansion or relocation??

JB: No, why the hell would I want to to know about that. I'm drinking tap water like a dog because I can't find the bottle opener for the liquor.

GB: I think most are twist offs....but I've been in Quebec City for the week talking to them about getting a team out there.

JB: HAHAHA-- that's a riot. Why would play a cruel trick on them like that?? I mean, honestly Gar; that's just mean. Everyone knows that I'm going to be the next guy to get something in Canada.

GB: Yeah....about that....

JB: You're serious?? What did those Frenchies do to you mind, Gary?? They had a team in Quebec City and you allowed them to move out of there. I mean, you look at Atlanta and they get a team back and looks like they'll be mind soon enough.

GB: Well, that's just it.....

JB: THEY'RE GOING TO BE MOVING TO QUEBEC??? SACRE BLEU!!!

GB: Funny, but there's rumors about them move up there if they can't get their asses in gear. But Quebec just failed due to the economy; because they had great fan support before they moved out. They just couldn't deal with a team due to money. If they want to get the Winter Olympics up there like has been rumored, they're getting a new arena in place, which could put them over the edge.

JB: Gary, Gary, Gary-- at what point do you think that this will all go down the crapper for them?? Do you think the economy will last for them up there and think they'll be viable?? They don't even speak English up there, what kind of chance do they have with all the Anglo folks we have around??

GB: You do know a lot of players speak French, right??

JB: Who, the real Frenchy Cristobal Huet-- he doesn't count-- he's from there.

GB: No, you moron-- there's plenty of French Canadians from Quebec who are playing in the NHL and can speak French. I mean, Montreal is a hub for French speakers who are a demanding market. I'm sure with you going to school in Canada-- you had French classes as well; it's a bi-lingual country, Jim.

JB: Whatever, Gary-- the only French I know is what I drop on game telecast. Fact of the matter is that they aren't going to be getting the government support if they start to fail-- which was shown back when they first had this issue. I don't think it's going to be a solid idea to give it to a troublesome place like that, which so much more political going on that meets the eyes. And so what if they have an arena being made-- look at Kansas City-- that things just sitting there looking like a giant disco ball with no one taking up residence.

GB: Kansas City is a great choice, but they aren't showing the interest like Quebec City. Plus, you get your seventh team like you marched for, right??

JB: But it's not MY team, Gary-- it's someone elses. And I mean, come on-- Quebec?? No one outside of Quebec cares about them or thinks of them as Canadian-- remember those separation votes??

GB: Politics, smolitics. They're putting out the money, they have an untapped market of QMJHL fans who have enjoyed the NHL in the past, and it's Canada. Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!!

JB: That's the last time I buy you any early 90s sketch-comedy DVD sets. Look, just take your coat off and stay awhile-- we have more pressing issues; bottle opener.

GB: I told you, they're twist-off. (Opens up closet)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Jumps out) T-BOMBED!!!!!!

GB: AHH!!! (Passes out)

JB: God, I love that-- thanks RTB.

RTB: T-BOMBS AWAY!!!!!

"Bett and Bals": Relief From The Heat??

This gimmick will never end, even with all these people coming out of the woodworks. Hit the "Bett and Bals" tag at the end to see the other episodes of this gimmick. You may laugh, you may learn something, but you'll definitely read it. That much I know.

(Scene: Gary Bettman is sitting at the kitchen table, looking through papers while on the phone. Bettman searches to find something that could get him rid of this team.)
Gary Bettman: So, we have this team-- they are going to be fantastic. There's a lot of young players ready to go, there's an untapped market out there, and if you want me to be honest-- I think I can get you a steal of a deal.

Anonymous Caller: I see Mr. Bettman, but can I trade them??

GB: Players?? Sure, you'll own the team-- you can do what you want, so long as you keep them in Phoenix.

AC: I mean, trade you some BlackBerries for the Coyotes??

GB: BALSILLIE!!!!

(Jim Balsillie peeks his head around the corner with a smirk and walks to sit down near Bettman)
Jim Balsillie: I almost was going to lead you on a little more, but I think I'll let you off the hook this time. Yet, I was going to see what I could do and maybe get you drunk to get you off your rocker to get this team.

GB: Keep trying, but I'm waiting for this phone call about another investor.

JB: You're kidding me right?? Is it those Saskatoon guys again, because it didn't work with the Expos when they were moving between Montreal and Puerto Rico, but ending up in DC-- how will this all work out??

GB: No, look-- according to the Globe and Mail there's a guy who wanted to buy the Canadiens at the start of the decade and then again just recently that wants to buy the Coyotes. He's got a lot of local investors and actually wants to keep the team here in Phoenix. Then we can finally get rid of this condo and not have to worry about dealing with each other until Atlanta or Miami gets in trouble.

JB: He goes from trying to buy the greatest team in the history of the NHL to a footnote in the Sunbelt expansion project?? I don't know if this guy's mentally apt to take control of a team, to be honest. How is he really any different from me??

GB: For one, he's not trying to move the team to Montreal and already selling tickets. Second, he's got local interests and wants to keep the team there. Third, this could work out. I mean-- the local investors thing worked out in Edmonton and Atlanta. Why do you think that it wouldn't work out in Phoenix??

JB: Too easy.

GB: Then explain it to me Mr. Smartypants.

JB: Real grown up. Anyway, the Edmonton situation turned into a disaster at the end before they finally sold it to Daryl Katz-- and even then, they had to be pressured into doing it because they wanted to seemingly drag the team down with 124 different investors having a say in it. Plus, with a name like Camelback Hockey, they may be able to survive the drought of income because they are stacked up, but it seems destined for failure.

GB: The fact of the matter is this could be the only reasonable bite we've had. I don't know what's going on with the heat for this team-- but if we can move this soon enough, god knows we may have to sell this team to you in order to get our investment back.

JB: I like where this is headed....may have to talk to this guy and get on this investor train...

GB: Like we'd allow you to do that. Truth of the matter is we need to unload this team sooner rather than later so it doesn't affect the other teams with us owning it. Plus, the team can grow in a bigger role with an independant guy at the helm. Even with all those hands in the pot-- our hands would be out of there.

JB: Yeah, because we wouldn't be at the exact same issue in a few years with all those people in shambles. Look, honestly-- even if it's not me-- you have to give this team a situation where it has the viability to survive. If these guys just want the team for the hell of it-- then eff 'em. Yet, if they actually have radical changes to make this team profitable, then it's worth the shot. I don't think they really get the ideal of making this radical change and want it for a write-off or just to say they own a team. This guy had a hand to try and buy the Habs and yet, nothing came from it. That could tell you something about his leadership or organization towards things.

GB: Even so....I wouldn't have to really deal with it for a time, therefore, he's a great suitor. Take the burden off the league's hands and put it to someone else. Maybe they could make it work, maybe they won't-- it won't be a problem until it's a problem again. Out of sight out of mind to be honest.

JB: Just give the team to me-- we'll move it to Canada, you can come visit, I'll replace your iPhone with my new BlackBerry-- we'll get a place in Kitchener-Waterloo; I think it's gonna be an ideal situation for you and me both. We do well together.

GB: Look at this mess-- think I'm living with you again....too much money laying around. I know it's a desert, but you don't have to make it rain in the living room.

(Phone rings)

GB: This could be the guy, hold on. Hello, Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner.

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!!!!

GB: GAH!! MY EAR!!!

JB: Best. Gag. Ever.

GB: WHAT?!?