"Bett and Bals" : White and Wrong

There's a lot of excitement in Phoenix these days-- what with them winning their first playoff game in years, getting people out into the Jobing.com Arena, there's throwing snakes-- what's not to like. Well, the litigation that's going on off the ice, but still. What could go wrong??

Gary Bettman: (watching his TiVo) Back to the point...shot-- GOAL!!! OH DEREK MORRIS YOU SEXY BASTARD!! Let's look at it again....win the draw...back...

Jim Balsillie: You really enjoy rubbing that in my face don't you??

GB: It's a great time, Ballsy. People are wearing snakes, throwing white...

JB: What?? Wearing snakes??

GB: Well, whatever. The white-out was a success, we got people on the internets talking and making headlines that way. All because of this winning excitement, the people have forgotten this is a team that was in peril at the beginning of the year. Think if they would have moved to where you wanted them to-- this wouldn't even be a story.

JB: Fair enough, but they would have gotten this press year 'round in Canada-- just sayin'. Plus, it's not like this team is out of the woods yet. Thanks to your plan-- the actual solid buyer who would have helped this team, Ice Edge, were rejected by the city and your golden boy, Jerry Reinsdorf got the bid approval.

GB: See?? The system works for the best. Look, we've been after Jerry the entire time because he's a big time name and we need someone like that as an owner.

JB: Does he even know he's in on this bid?? I mean, has he even given a comment about his excitement on winning?? I mean, you want a big name-- what am I?? I've single-handedly got people to talk about me every time a team is in peril. Who cares if it's not nationally known, but in hockey circles, I'm kind of a big deal.

GB: Only a big deal because of the fact you moved a team and sold tickets to said moved team before you even signed any intent to buy the team. Sure, you're a big deal-- but in the bad way, my friend. Jerry's got this under lock. He knows what's going on and he's ready to go ahead with keeping the team there.

JB: So long as they turn a profit, right?? Did you read about how they have the right to sell the team if they can't pull in a profit for five years, right?? Plus, he's not risking much, if anything in this. It seems to be all on the city to pay you guys if anything goes awry. And the minimum of $103M?? Come on, that's $109.5M LESS than what I was going to bid. How is that good business for the league or this team?!?

GB: First, he's paying $165M. While it's less, he's not going to get up and move the team. Sure, he can try and sell the team after giving 180 days notice, but look at this team-- they're going good and I think they'll have a solid team for years to come. It's good business, even if we have to risk a lot to make it happen.

JB: How are we going to say this team will be successful?? Look at the Hurricanes-- they did well last year and tanked this year. One series and hype doesn't make a team successful. People like winners and if this team isn't competitive every year, there's going to be issues. People love gimmicks and these White-outs and "Throw the Snake" gets people interested. What happens when that goes away?? At what point do people stop pulling for a sweetheart, especially when they play their team in the playoffs?? I'm not saying this all won't help, but at the same-- you have to be sustain these gimmicks. With it being very out of the way-- I don't know how you'll get people excited for the season when nothing much is on the line. We saw that down the stretch.

GB: The people came out-- not by much more, but they did. I think we're going to be fine with Reinsdorf. And the city could find someone should he go ahead and want to sell the team. They were able to get this whole thing sorted out, right??

JB: That's just it. Reinsdorf is just a figure head. He doesn't have to do the foot-soldiering when he wants to get rid of the team. You just have to look at it like that-- you're going to look like the fool if this all blows up in your face. The City only cares about getting their money for the arena and if they got that-- the probably could care less about the team. Especially if they rename the team, like they're thinking.

GB: What's in a name, though?? Things will be fine, I'll be fine in all of this. Reinsdorf won't move the team or try to sell the team unless I tell him to. He listened to me when I asked to use his name-- now we've got people really into it running things. We should be good to go. I know we're going to be fine in Arizona, I'll give you my word.

(Buzzer rings)

GB: Oooooh no, I'm not falling for this again. You get it, I'm tired of being the butt of these jokes.

JB: Ooookay, don't know what you mean. (Opens door cautiously) Oh, hi Mrs. Baum, how are you?? Oh, you made cookies??

GB: (Jumps out of his chair and runs to the door) COOKIES?!?! I LOVE COOKIES!!

(Jim opens the doors as Gary is running to Mrs. Baum....but as he get to her...)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Pops from the side of the doorway) T-BOMBED!!!!

GB: GAH!!!!! (Gets scared and faints)

JB: Good work team. Are those chocolate chips??