"Bett and Bals": Relief From The Heat??

This gimmick will never end, even with all these people coming out of the woodworks. Hit the "Bett and Bals" tag at the end to see the other episodes of this gimmick. You may laugh, you may learn something, but you'll definitely read it. That much I know.

(Scene: Gary Bettman is sitting at the kitchen table, looking through papers while on the phone. Bettman searches to find something that could get him rid of this team.)
Gary Bettman: So, we have this team-- they are going to be fantastic. There's a lot of young players ready to go, there's an untapped market out there, and if you want me to be honest-- I think I can get you a steal of a deal.

Anonymous Caller: I see Mr. Bettman, but can I trade them??

GB: Players?? Sure, you'll own the team-- you can do what you want, so long as you keep them in Phoenix.

AC: I mean, trade you some BlackBerries for the Coyotes??

GB: BALSILLIE!!!!

(Jim Balsillie peeks his head around the corner with a smirk and walks to sit down near Bettman)
Jim Balsillie: I almost was going to lead you on a little more, but I think I'll let you off the hook this time. Yet, I was going to see what I could do and maybe get you drunk to get you off your rocker to get this team.

GB: Keep trying, but I'm waiting for this phone call about another investor.

JB: You're kidding me right?? Is it those Saskatoon guys again, because it didn't work with the Expos when they were moving between Montreal and Puerto Rico, but ending up in DC-- how will this all work out??

GB: No, look-- according to the Globe and Mail there's a guy who wanted to buy the Canadiens at the start of the decade and then again just recently that wants to buy the Coyotes. He's got a lot of local investors and actually wants to keep the team here in Phoenix. Then we can finally get rid of this condo and not have to worry about dealing with each other until Atlanta or Miami gets in trouble.

JB: He goes from trying to buy the greatest team in the history of the NHL to a footnote in the Sunbelt expansion project?? I don't know if this guy's mentally apt to take control of a team, to be honest. How is he really any different from me??

GB: For one, he's not trying to move the team to Montreal and already selling tickets. Second, he's got local interests and wants to keep the team there. Third, this could work out. I mean-- the local investors thing worked out in Edmonton and Atlanta. Why do you think that it wouldn't work out in Phoenix??

JB: Too easy.

GB: Then explain it to me Mr. Smartypants.

JB: Real grown up. Anyway, the Edmonton situation turned into a disaster at the end before they finally sold it to Daryl Katz-- and even then, they had to be pressured into doing it because they wanted to seemingly drag the team down with 124 different investors having a say in it. Plus, with a name like Camelback Hockey, they may be able to survive the drought of income because they are stacked up, but it seems destined for failure.

GB: The fact of the matter is this could be the only reasonable bite we've had. I don't know what's going on with the heat for this team-- but if we can move this soon enough, god knows we may have to sell this team to you in order to get our investment back.

JB: I like where this is headed....may have to talk to this guy and get on this investor train...

GB: Like we'd allow you to do that. Truth of the matter is we need to unload this team sooner rather than later so it doesn't affect the other teams with us owning it. Plus, the team can grow in a bigger role with an independant guy at the helm. Even with all those hands in the pot-- our hands would be out of there.

JB: Yeah, because we wouldn't be at the exact same issue in a few years with all those people in shambles. Look, honestly-- even if it's not me-- you have to give this team a situation where it has the viability to survive. If these guys just want the team for the hell of it-- then eff 'em. Yet, if they actually have radical changes to make this team profitable, then it's worth the shot. I don't think they really get the ideal of making this radical change and want it for a write-off or just to say they own a team. This guy had a hand to try and buy the Habs and yet, nothing came from it. That could tell you something about his leadership or organization towards things.

GB: Even so....I wouldn't have to really deal with it for a time, therefore, he's a great suitor. Take the burden off the league's hands and put it to someone else. Maybe they could make it work, maybe they won't-- it won't be a problem until it's a problem again. Out of sight out of mind to be honest.

JB: Just give the team to me-- we'll move it to Canada, you can come visit, I'll replace your iPhone with my new BlackBerry-- we'll get a place in Kitchener-Waterloo; I think it's gonna be an ideal situation for you and me both. We do well together.

GB: Look at this mess-- think I'm living with you again....too much money laying around. I know it's a desert, but you don't have to make it rain in the living room.

(Phone rings)

GB: This could be the guy, hold on. Hello, Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner.

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!!!!!

GB: GAH!! MY EAR!!!

JB: Best. Gag. Ever.

GB: WHAT?!?