Thursday, August 11, 2011

Bett and Bals: "Shroud of Mystery"

The past couple of days has brought us the news that the Phoenix Coyotes have had two mystery buyers approached the team about purchasing them away from the NHL. Now, whether or not the team stays in the area remains to be seen; but the bigger question are who are these two anonymous owners?? Have we seen them before at all or are they new guys we've never heard of before?? This episode has Gary Bettman in his condo showing around a perspective owner of the sights and sounds of Glendale. While he looks strikingly familiar to someone Bettman has seen before, but he doesn't pick up on it....

Gary Bettman: And as you see here, just vast amounts of land out there. Sure, it's warm-- but no humidity, so you've got to like that. What do you think about all of that??

Mystery Buyer: It seems like a good place to be, but more importantly-- what's the cell phone and tablet connection like out here??

GB: Interestingly, it's pretty good. There's not much out here to block your service. It's funny-- you look like a guy who used to be all about the phone service....but he didn't have glasses, a big nose, or a mustache. So, what do you think about signing this here Memorendum of Agreement mister.....

MB: Jalsillie-- Bim Jalsillie.

GB: Well, Mr. Jalsillie, I think you'll love it here in Glendale and it should be a great team for you to follow, despite the what has happened this summer and the team not really snatching up much of anyone on the free agent market....even losing their top goalie.

MB: I've noticed that. Now...if I wanted to move the team, perish the thought, how would we go about that??

GB: You've come to something that's been a struggle, but between you, me, and this condo-- it won't be that hard, Mr. Jalsillie. The fact is I only stopped a seller from moving because-- well, I didn't like him that much and tried to convince him this area needed this team. It's just to bust his balls.

MB: I see-- well, where should I sign right here?? (As he bends down to sign the MoA, his Groucho Marx glasses fall off and Bettman realizes who it is.)

GB: You dropped your-- oh GODDAMMIT!! How could you have done this to me, Jim?? I trusted this Mr. Jalsillie and now you have to throw me this curve that it was actually you??

Jim Balsillie: Seriously?? I just switched the first letters of my name and you couldn't pick up on it?? I'm in a Blackberry t-shirt for the love of god....

GB: Honestly, I didn't know it was you. I wouldn't have know if these glasses didn't fall out. I shared everything with Mr. Jalsillie....

JB: I know you did and there's not enough mind bleach in the world to take that away from my memory. But it just goes to show that you and I can co-exist, Gary.

GB: But like I said to Mr. Jalsillie...

JB: Stop that...

GB: ....this is a team that doesn't need to stay in the area, but I want it to. You know there's not much else in this area-- why would you want to take this team from the area when there's so much this team could be??

JB: Didn't you say this team didn't do much in the off-season?? Didn't you say this team doesn't need to be here?? The fact of the matter is that with everything all done and people locked up for the season; why would there be a big buzz for this team in this area?? They had gone from a great story the past couple of years to possible craptasticness this season. The fact this team has had so much turmoil anyway-- players would be gunshy to sign here long-term anyway.

GB: Please don't make me go to Canada again right now-- I'm still not over Winnipeg.

JB: That's just it though-- the passion is there in Canada and you know the revenue stream will be good to go up there; which is good for business and is good for the economy.

GB: You don't hear the people trying to fire you....

JB: Until you see the stocks plummeting and realize your network is used to help communicate rioting.

GB: Topical. Yet, there's not many places up in Canada who have buildings ready and there's already a couple places that are in the battle with their local governments in order to get their new arena built up there and if you get this team and you have to battle the government; then not get it after all-- why would I want to sell a team to you OR ANYONE who doesn't have someone structured and ready to go right now??

JB: Fair enough, but with me-- I can build the arena out of unused Blackberry Playbooks. And at this point, if you're selling to someone that doesn't have some contingency plan; that's your own fault for selling to them and their own fault for wanting out and then not getting a place in the midst of it all.

GB: I just don't get why people aren't seeing how well this community can thrive when this team is winning.

JB: Any community can thrive with a winning team, but at the same time; who's going to want to come here to actually work out for the team and not use this as a country club?? Sure, Dave Tippett has been very well about getting these guys to focus; though I'm sure with not much star power around-- it could turn into the issues like it was before.

GB: Though, at the same time-- you can't get a lot of guys if you're going to be moving to a place they won't want to be moving to. You're going to have issues attracting talent either way, but it's much easier to sell a city you're already at then in a destination you're going.

JB: But the arena is in the middle of nowhere and even winning, it's hard to get a lot of people out there until the troops are rallied and the threat of a move is in the conversation.

GB: I get that, but the thing is that you get the people in to make this work and the people will show up regardless, so long as their winning.

JB: I don't think it works like that.

GB: Maybe not, but now that you duped me; I have to worry that this next mystery buyer isn't going to do the same thing. (Doorbell rings) See here he is now.

JB: Really?? You brought him all the way overhere, even when I'm here??

GB: You're not getting the team, what's the worst that could happen??

(Opens Door)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: T-BOMBED!!!

GB: WHATTHEWHOTHEBAAAHHHHH!!! (Falls over coat-rack)

JB: Tell me you didn't see that coming. Hey, how are you going to buy the team anyway??


JB: Hilarious.

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