Friday, January 27, 2012
"Bett and Bals:" Miracles and Mirages
Jim Balsillie: (Reading the paper on the couch) iPad3, how the hell do they keep doing this with their guy dead?? Of course, this could be a whole new thing when all is said and done....
Gary Bettman: (Busting through the door) SANCTUARY!!!
JB: I don't think that word means what you think it does.
GB: WELL, KISS MY GRITS!!
JB: Okay, that's better-- but what the hell are you so happy about?? This better be cause for this celebration.
GB: Jim....there's a mystery guy for Phoenix!!
JB: This seems like a repeat. Are we in syndication already??
GB: Seriously-- the perfect timing of this news RIGHT before the big meeting with the Board and....whew, see the wheels are in motion with this team. We've got Jerry Reinsdorf, who-- let's be honest-- built that Bulls team to a dynasty; we've got Greg Jamison, who was the guy who helps the Sharks get off the ground, and now...this mystery guy-- who HAS to be the best of the three. Man....this is fantastic.
JB: How many of these mystery men have come to fruition, though?? Let's be honest-- the only mystery is when this bid will be considered a failure yet again, then have Reinsdorf get told by you he's still in.
GB: This is own free will to be in, especially since the White Sox are about to actually get less and less relevant....if I have my way.
JB: But, honestly-- what's going on with this mystery crap?? Is there a reason you don't want this mystery to be really revealed??
GB: Why are you harshing my buzz?? The point is this-- we have a third guy out there and it's now a sweepstakes. The power of three is a lot better than the two guys debating over the team.
JB: Debating?? What debating?? Is there a sale to be had that you held out on??
GB: Well, we have to wait for the City of Glendale for their stuff....
JB: Standing behind them now, too?? Do they not want to be revealed?? IS there actually a third buyer??
GB: Oh, there's a third buyer. The city wants to know who they're getting into business and how they can restructure one way or the other. They definitely want to have a good relationship where they can rearrange and work to the benefit of everyone out there. Win-win.
JB: And what about moving?? Let's be honest-- even with the team being bought, what's going to be done with these rumors of a buy-and-move?? I keep hearing Seattle, Kansas City, Quebec....
GB: All great areas-- you see how much snow Seattle has gotten?? They'd be PERFECT for the 2014 Winter Classic with all that snow, are you kidding me?? But the movement is secondary to get the team out of there. Once they're out of my hair and under ownership in Phoenix for a year-- I'll be whatever to moving. It's less stress on me once I get rid of this team and someone else can worry about them.
JB: So moving is still an option??
GB: Of course. Especially if the city can't come up with a good plan, I'll pay the $25 million payments BACK to the city in order to get the team out of there if they aren't thriving. At this point, I just want someone to buy the team from me.
JB: Interesting......because now I may have to reveal myself.
GB: Wait...what?? Didn't you just get fired??
JB: Fired nothing, I stepped down.
GB: If this turns out to be you.....(footsteps running up and down the hallway)...the hell....look, if it turns out to be you....(crashing into walls)...Okay, that's enough for our property value (Opens the door) Alright you rapscallions, this is....
Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Running By) T- BOMBED!!!!
GB: OH GOOD LORD (Falling backwards)
JB: Drive-by gimmicks now. Enjoyable, as always.